Hello Dysfunction

Crystal is emotional, Pata Fria is not Italian. Stretch your butthole. Post our dead pics. How to hire a hooker and mosquito-eaters are harmless.  This week’s tv recommendations are:  •Meghan Harry Oprah interview (PBS) • Bliss (Prime)  • Biggie doc (Netflix)  •Pretend It’s A City (Netflix)  Check out this week’s sponsor!  Hella Infused  Highly recommended handmade CBD infused products.  Black woman owned/local/independent business!  www.hellainfused.com  IG: @hella_infused The number for covid testing and vaccine appts in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com 

Crystal got her final vaccine, Pata Fria has gerd. Don't have power trips while driving and be very careful using uber and lyft. Cute puppies, perform a random act of kindness, stalkers are no fun and some unfortunate news stories.  This week’s tv recommendations are:  I Care A Lot (Netflix)  Buried by the Bernards (Netflix) Canine Intervention (Netflix)  Allen v. Farrow (HBO Max) The number for covid testing in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Check out this week’s sponsor! • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com (http://betterhelp.com/) and use discount code HELLO, that’s http://betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com 

We’re entering the world of video. Crystal’s cat has fallen in love. Acid reflux feels like death is near. There’s a teen missing from Richmond. Cleaning your eyelash extensions is a must. Is there really a such thing as “just friends”? And nevermind the expiration dates.  This weeks tv recommendations are: Soft White Underbelly: “Faith” episode (YouTube)  Judas and The Black Messiah (HBO) War Dogs (Netflix)  Crime Scene: The Vanishing at the Cecil Hotel (Netflix)  The number for covid testing in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Check out this week’s sponsors! • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com (http://betterhelp.com/) and use discount code HELLO, that’s http://betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com 

Disrespectful dreams. Carolyn gets a haircut. What do you want to be when you grow up? The truth from Doug. Wishing Tessica the best. Sex work really is empowering and witchcraft won the Super Bowl.  This week’s tv recommendations are: Jersey Shore  Season 3 of The Sinner  The number for covid testing in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Check out this week’s sponsor! • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com (http://betterhelp.com/) and use discount code HELLO, that’s http://betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com 

It’s been a really dysfunctional week.  The original is always better than a copy. There’s been a horrible local murder. Awkward parenting moments, the disgusting wealth gap and some great listener write ins.  This week’s book recommendation is:  How To Talk To Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere by Larry King  The number for covid testing in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Check out this week’s sponsor! • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com (http://betterhelp.com/) and use discount code HELLO, that’s http://betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com 

It’s raining it’s pouring, Crystal got the vaccine and is in Facebook jail, AGAIN! Constipated babies, postpartum hair loss and Pata Fria might not be asexual after all. Eskimo sisters, don’t tattoo animals and stay out of ppl’s trash!  This week’s tv recommendation is:  Tell Me Who I Am (Netflix)  The number for covid testing in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Check out this week’s sponsor! • Syma’s Persian and Mexican Grill 1019 San Pablo Ave.  Albany, CA  symasgrill.com  Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com 

Crystal blows a nervous kiss, we reintroduce ourselves and Pata Fria’s mom hates green. Michigan is taking steps in the right direction, aggressive hippos are throwing off ecosystems and don’t get braces at anyone’s home.  This week’s tv recommendations are:  Night Stalker (Netflix) Unforgotten: 25yrs after Willowbrook (tubi) An American Crime (tubi) Hard Candy (tubi)  Book recommendations:  A Child Called “It”  The number for covid testing in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Check out this week’s sponsors! • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com (http://betterhelp.com/) and use discount code HELLO, that’s http://betterhelp.com/HELLO • Syma’s Persian and Mexican Grill 1019 San Pablo Ave.  Albany, CA  symasgrill.com  Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com 

Crystal thought she had Covid. Coffee is just a blindfold. Take care of your credit and cheese is more addicting than crack. Vaping isn’t safer than cigs and please don’t call our phones or do emergency break-thrus.  This week’s tv recommendations are:  Dear Mr. Gacy (on Tubi)  Surviving Death (Netflix)  The number for covid testing in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Check out this week’s sponsor! • Syma’s Persian and Mexican Grill 1019 San Pablo Ave.  Albany, CA  symasgrill.com  Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com 

Covid is acting a fool, protect your toes! Carolyn takes a fall, grieving is tough, are you being accountable for your own actions? Celebrities and their spouses being frauds, don’t stay with anyone that doesn’t clean themselves and some tardy Happy Birthdays! This week’s tv recommendations are: The Minimalists (Netflix) The Wittman’s (ID Chanel) Obsession: Dark Desires (Hulu)  Check out our sponsors! • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com (http://betterhelp.com/) and use discount code HELLO, that’s http://betterhelp.com/HELLO • Syma’s Persian and Mexican Grill 1019 San Pablo Ave.  Albany, CA  symasgrill.com  Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com   

2020 is trying to kill Pata Fria. Always practice fire safety. Having kids later in life might be the way to go and Pee Pee is very spiritual. Wipe your devices before gifting them. Don’t touch hot things. Tinder for corpses is unfortunately not a thing, but do you know a serial killer? Some listener questions and lots of laughs.  This week’s tv recommendations are:  Songbird Nekromantik  Diagnosis I’m your woman and Soul.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com (http://betterhelp.com/) and use discount code HELLO, that’s http://betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com 

Don’t eat the McRib. Kids say the darndest things. Pata Fria chose comfort, LOCK UP YOUR GUNS, now isn’t the time to travel and beware of secret envy.  This week’s tv recommendation is The Occupant on Netflix.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com (http://betterhelp.com/) and use discount code HELLO, that’s http://betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com 

It’s been a CRAZY week. Irish cream is back, our families aren’t doing well, the covid vaccine is coming. Let’s read more books, weird new citizenship requirements, listener questions and cool things to watch while inside. This week’s tv recommendations are:  Hillbilly Elegy The Kindergarten Teacher  Kennedy Assassination doc Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com (http://betterhelp.com/) and use discount code HELLO, that’s http://betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com 

Xmas is here, let the decorating begin!  Covid scares, crazy soup and a platform shoe. Astral projection, helping our communities and cold raviolis. This week’s tv recommendations are: The Art of Dancing In The Rain Game of Thrones  and Antebellum  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com (http://betterhelp.com/) and use discount code HELLO, that’s http://betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com

Rainy days, xmas decorations and cat capes. Independent women jumping batteries, covid is acting up again, don’t be materialistic.  Discrimination, mental health talk and tons of listener write ins!!  Enjoy Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com (http://betterhelp.com/) and use discount code HELLO, that’s http://betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com 

New car, new president, cold weather and the holidays are now upon us. A really uncomfortable revelation and tons of great listener write ins!  This weeks tv recommendations are: I Was A Child Bride ; The Untold Story (hulu) The Queen’s Gambit (netflix) Frank Sinatra doc (netflix) A Teacher (hulu)  Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com 

It’s election day and we’re stressed. Halloween, nightmares and menopause. Mysterious medical records, men hitting women, dark humor and managing anger.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com (http://betterhelp.com/) and use discount code HELLO, that’s http://betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com 

Menopause, haircuts and skywriting. Don’t bully your kids, watch out for pipe bombs and always check the walls. Interesting groups, childhood weirdness, we got it all.  PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU VOTE!!! This week’s tv recommendations are: Borat Subsequent Moviefilm and revisiting Nurse Jackie. Join our Patreon! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com  Don’t forget to subscribe/rate/review xoxo

It’s our 100th episode!!  Please make sure you vote like your life depends on it, if you find money keep it, can we lean more towards home remedies?  Cleaning house and plant studies, keep an eye out for all things spooky.  Tv recommendations for this week are:  Endless, Beautiful Boy and Lovecraft Country.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com (http://betterhelp.com/) and use discount code HELLO, that’s http://betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com 

Post office drama, phone overboard, trigger warnings are important and what is the electoral vote! Raccoon babies have arrived, catfish is staged, Saturday is World Mental Health Day.  This week’s tv recommendations are:  Waves I Met The Devil Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com 

Beware of guitar picks, Dottie is happy, baby and Carolyn are getting sassy. Halloween is cancelled, PLEASE make sure you vote.  *Trigger warning: domestic abuse is discussed* This week’s tv recommendations are American Murder: The Family Next Door, The Eddy, and The Getaway.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com (http://betterhelp.com/) and use discount code HELLO, that’s http://betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com 

We’re back! Hospital nightmares, no skin checks, vaginas do bleach panties. Monitor your kid’s zoom messages and don’t scream in the bank. Ratched is this week’s tv recommendation. Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com (http://betterhelp.com/) and use discount code HELLO, that’s http://betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com 

Our new baby is here!!  The rough ride is finally over, Crystal is healing with a frustrating new side effect, please wash yourself thoroughly before receiving a service.  We can’t hang out with problematic celebrities and as a rule, let’s continue learning and becoming a better you every year.  Queen & Slim is this week’s tv recommendation.   Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com (http://betterhelp.com/) and use discount code HELLO, that’s http://betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com 

Today’s the big day!  Taco Bell KEEPS breaking our heart, Crystal is experiencing some interesting nasal changes, we share secrets on this podcast. Celebrity disappointments, the fires are consuming A LOT, please don’t ejaculate your pets.  This week’s tv recommendations are The King of Staten Island and Married At First Sight.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com (http://betterhelp.com/) and use discount code HELLO, that’s http://betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com 

Crystal updates us on her surgery while Pata Fria prepares for hers. Family drama, lots of bullsh*tting on OF, an injured testicle. A funny work story, a listener write-in, and you’ll never look at butter knives the same.  This week’s tv recommendations are In The Dark, 1BR, Married At First Sight, Steel Magnolias and Fried Green Tomatoes.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com (http://betterhelp.com/) and use discount code HELLO, that’s http://betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com 

Crystal is nervous about surgery and guys are really gross. Our air quality is awful and depression is on the rise. Kittens are available! vaginas weren't made for men and please use extreme care when introducing step-parents into your family. I May Destroy You, Perry Mason and The Rain are this week's tv suggestions. Stay safe and don't forget to subscribe! Join our Patreon!! http://patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: http://instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com 

This week we’re celebrating Crystal’s birthday, playing matchmaker and calling out bullshit. Unexpected places to blow off steam, listener write-ins and probably the worst birthing story you’ve ever heard. Stay cool, stay safe and subscribe xo Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com 

Waking up to some bad news, Crystal is Snow White in her dreams and don't ever question what someone else is purchasing. Fruit cocktail is tied to some uncomfortable memories, new paranormal things are happening and micro penises are more common than you think.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com (http://betterhelp.com/) and use discount code HELLO, that’s http://betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com 

Crystal is dressed like The Ultimate Warrior, Pata Fria is having contractions. Wear clean underwear for your medical procedures. Don’t have strangers text your kids, if you want Dottie or Crystal’s attention use cheese. Pregnancy really causes some unexpected surprises and body modifications have reached shocking new levels.  Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com 

Welcome back...some babies have arrived, court went well, cats cast spells, watch out for things sucking your feet! Check expiration dates everywhere, don’t joke about anyone’s trauma, utilize social media now more than ever and bring back products from the 80s!  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com (http://betterhelp.com/) and use discount code HELLO, that’s http://betterhelp.com/HELLO

We’re back with a bang and good news from our doctors! Crystal had a long visit inside a small chamber, spiders can’t be trusted, keep your kids close but give your doggies some space. Try new meats and always be aware of your surroundings. Some difficult news and code switching isn’t a good thing after all. Are re-born dolls doing more harm than good?  Enjoy xo

California is shut back down, we might lose the Oakland zoo, Crystal and Kevin made the news! Stop following problematic artists, Oklahoma natives are owed some rent and some listener write-ins are discussed.  Wear a mask, people.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com (http://betterhelp.com/) and use discount code HELLO, that’s http://betterhelp.com/HELLO

Happy Birthday Frida Kahlo. Fires, no sleep, bubonic plague and firecrackers. Racists exposing themselves, a sad election and a couple fights. Always put your own well being first and get out of your comfort zone.  Enjoy xo. 

Busy busy week learning new technology. Crystal’s been diffusing family drama and Pata Fria is stressed from not working. Covid is alive and well and it looks like we’ll be charged for treatments after all. Headlines are usually lies and commutation is always key.  Check out our sponsor!   BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com (http://betterhelp.com/) and use discount code HELLO, that’s http://betterhelp.com/HELLO

Happy Juneteenth/Father’s Day/Birthday! The ghost is picking on Dottie, Corona is alive and well, please rinse your damn dishes and everyone needs to wipe. Natalia is at it again, we have some really awesome listeners. No family towels and the ground is still lava.  Enjoy xo 

Family drama, celebrities in trouble, a heart attack scare. Police are being erased from tv, company branding is getting a much needed makeover and a few businesses that won’t survive the pandemic. Some day to day objects that can be surprisingly useful, don’t sell content that isn’t yours! And now’s a great time to explore some online dating. Check out our sponsor!   BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to http://betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s http://betterhelp.com/HELLO

We’re back after a break, discussing some of what’s going on in the world. The importance of always speaking up, in the RIGHT way. Problematic family members don’t get a pass. Including Dottie. Crystal has once again expanded her squad. The Bay Area is slowly opening back up and never underestimate the value of good customer service. Check out our sponsor!   BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to http://betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s http://betterhelp.com/HELLO

It’s been a long hot week and we’re still under quarantine. Sometimes “friends” can be weird. Please practice some online etiquette, Crystal is now offering legal advice and lending out her purse. Pata Fria’s houseguest is showing off and Carolyn is acting out. Weird news, cool things to watch and stand up for our black brothers and sisters or be exiled, it’s not a choice.  Enjoy xo.  *If you or someone you know needs to be tested for Covid-19 please call  1-888-634-1123

Happy Birthday Malcolm X and Pata Fria. Dottie is on her way out, a new animal is on the scene and pelvic pain is the worst. Find out if Crystal is under investigation and don’t let missing fingers and toes be a deal breaker.  Thank you to our sponsor! Better Help To receive 10% off of your first month head to BetterHelp.com/HELLO, again that’s BetterHelp.com/HELLO for 10% off your first month.

We're back again wishing Stevie Wonder and Dottie a happy birthday. Crystal's animal rescue foundation has re-homed all the kittens as she continues work as a full-time contractor. We share some tips on how not to train your dog, and get ready for bell bottoms because they're back. A little frustrating celebrity news and some tv recommendations. We hope you enjoy xo

We're back from a break because let's face it, sometimes life takes over. Cinco de Mayo is for drinking, we visit lots of weird news, and why were all grandparents so beautiful? Some parenting talk, new film and book recommendations and keep Crisco out of your god damn cookies. Enjoy. Thanks to our sponsor for this episode: BetterHelp Right now, just for our listeners you can go to BetterHelp.com/HELLO and use promo code HELLO for 10% off your first month.

Our brains are getting bored and we’re all dreamers. Home school is stressful. Health over capitalism. Must see show/film recommendations. Frankenstein is freezing and it’s a shitty time for a money scam. Crystal takes us down a dark path about cleanliness and if you don’t want to barter w your landlord don't ruin it for everyone else.  Enjoy.

Same old shit, different day.  Crystal and Pata Fria handled a joint dog catching assignment. Happy Birthday to Crystal’s mom Charlene. Pata Fria is doing a new form of charity work. Don’t expect Crystal to change her cleaning routine. Be careful how you speak to/in front of your kids. No show can really top The Office and Trump is ready to colonize other planets.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp To receive 10% off of your first month head to http://BetterHelp.com/hello, again that's http://BetterHelp.com/hello to receive 10% off your first month.

Lonely days, disturbing dreams, some family dysfunction, sassy tones and lots of tv  xo Betterhelp.com/Hello

Keeping in touch with you guys during the social distancing. This week we discuss lucid dreams, a new baby, ridiculous dads, investigating your partner, tiger king and the inability to get motivated lately may not be your fault... 

Week 2 of quarantine is upon us, some ideas for making use of your time at home, companies extending some free offers to the community, don’t let johns take advantage. Crystal is back to normal and discovered an interesting new way to show off your pets.  Enjoy xo

Corona Virus is bullying us all, book vs film. Don’t get scammed on the internet, penis injections are a thing and Pata Fria has added a new service to her menu. Stay calm and safe in the house... We’re all in this together. Betterhelp.com

This week Crystal is starting a water challenge while growing closer to her adopted raccoon. Pata Fria revisits the importance of credit and making money on social media. Porn Hub is in hot water, celebrity sex offenders receive some justice and the corona virus might be scarier than we thought.  Enjoy xo

Mercury is in retrograde and everyone is feeling it. Don’t worry about the Corona virus, strange news, ppl are cat fishing and women’s bodies really have it rough.  Enjoy xo. Betterhelp.com

Financial literacy is important as are cameras surrounding your house. Dog bites suck, 90s beauty products were great and Pata Fria made Crystal litter. Do a credit check on your future partners and don’t ask how much someone paid for their kids.  Enjoy xo

Ep.68.   V Day recap, it’s time to restructure The Bakers Act, we love dating shows and Robert Lee Noye is a hero.  Domestic violence is serious, don’t bomb the wrong house, you can tell a lot about a person by the music they listen to. Enjoy xo Betterhelp.com/Hello to save 10%

Crystals cat is acting like Pata Fria, assume everyone has home surveillance, keep your pets out of your webcam scenes and always support those that support you. Valentine’s tees are a huge hit, no more butter before bed and radio dedications are signs of a good friend. https://www.instagram.com/hellodysfunction

  Crystal saves a cat through osmosis, Pata Fria ponders getting a shock collar for Dottie. Water your hot pockets and wash your ass. Some fun fan questions, a Dom story with a pro golfer and Crystal’ s early wrestling career.

The weekend recap, family drama, McDonald’s soda secrets, pass on the Grammy’s, be on time aka early, practice code switching and let’s all be smart with our money.  Enjoy xo

IKEA sucks, Crystal hates January. Pata Fria searches for a dead body and dentures are really common. Read a book, watch the Aaron Hernandez doc and don’t wear nazi costumes. Enjoy xo   www.Instagram.com/Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction www.Twitter.com/dysfunctionShow

Crystal has another sinus infection and Pata Fria’s energy bill has skyrocketed. We need multiple streams of income so try everything, even singing about cats. Don’t shame people for working regular jobs, don’t be a house pirate. Donate your organs and check your pets for wetness.  Enjoy xo Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction

The first episode of 2020 is here with more vagina talk, explore the possibilities of lube, teach your kids to properly prank each other, never trust a leather kilt, follow the rules of the internet, keep your brains hydrated, some interesting beauty procedures and ear maintenance Enjoy xo   Betterhelp.com

It’s the end of a decade and this week we have the amazing Lil Debbie joining us. Holiday recap, tips on successful gift giving, cats are thieves, New Years traditions from around the globe, don’t cheat during monopoly, baby jousting, and our favorite white trash delicacies.  Happy New Year!!

Crazy Xmas shopping and delivery delays, Crystal celebrates 14yrs w Mark, internet matchmaking, did Pata Fria finally cure her rash, cancel culture, trust your intuition, delicate familial subjects, save your skin after you die, and did a sweat shop make your outfit?  Enjoy  Betterhelp.com/Hello

Rainy days, kids know when you’re gay, celebrity tension, ‘tis the season for kindness, culture vultures, Crystal’s Animal Rescue is still in business, don’t share contact lenses and be nice to strangers that text you.  Enjoy xo

Live show recap, Billy was a joy, Apple is glitching our phones, kids shouldn’t give haircuts, foreplay is mandatory, possible potato crisis, signing up for Better Help, listener questions, I probably won’t let an animal get raped.  Enjoy xo BetterHelp.com/Hello

Vacation observations, don’t take your dog’s pills, poop forensics, respect other laws and cultures while visiting abroad, T.I. is still gross, Bezos’ latest donation, and don’t use my good paper towels.  Enjoy xo Sponsored by Betterhelp.com use code: Hello for 10% off  Betterhelp.com/Hello

Happy Anniversary.  This week’s episode was recorded live before a studio audience. Crystal revisits a childhood kidnapping. Would you paint your son’s nails? Don’t lock your customers inside the store. Shameful OCD subtypes. Men definitely fake orgasms.  

It’s National Kindness Day, is Rodney Reed a serial rapist? Dottie is leaking clear sh*t, there‘s actually a narcissism spectrum, don’t check anyone’s hymen and stop wasting paper towels. XO instagram/@hellodysfunction Facebook/hellodysfunction 

This week the girls periods are syncing in studio 54 with a Halloween recap, no one wants to get drunk and go to bed alone, an absent speculum, always check your tires, strange news and the first round of attendees drawn! Enjoy xo instagram/@hellodysfunction Facebook/hellodysfunction 

Don’t trust Crystal with your Mexican drug operation, the Bay Area has been going thru it, tell your callers when they’re on speakerphone, Kanye does gospel, the universe is being weird, Always removed a logo no one really cares about, don’t be racist for Halloween  Enjoy xo

Cringy words, Crystal has another damn cat, prepare your kids for sticky situations, yoni pearls, blood diapers, the joker, trauma makes you great and a few listener questions. Enjoy xo T-shirts & Sweatshirts Available at Hellodysfunction.com

Kids are difficult, tell your car you love it, the Joker hits home, planned electricity suspension scare, Pata Fria was in a low speed chase with the cops and lots of listener questions Enjoy xo 

The joys of getting old, Pata Fria is still a practicing doctor, true love of true crime, Amber Guyger is guilty, read more books and parenting woes.  Enjoy xo

Typical post break up transformation, Crystal got some new wheels, stranger’s awkward convos, everything is linked to parenting, unusual attractions and white privilege  Enjoy.

Pata Fria’s been getting artsy, Crystal is still car shopping, dreams and your memory are married, tarot readings coming soon, and don’t support shitty celebrities.  Enjoy.

Maria tried to scam Crystal, babies don’t have kneecaps, big fondue plans and an interesting “what if”... Enjoy 

Episode 46 “I Got Played” This week the girls return with some fun and not so fun announcements. Pata Fria is a newly single Grandma, Dottie is adjusting nicely, Crystal is collecting formal gowns for a great cause, Keto is scary and some listener questions are answered. Enjoy. 

This week the girls are back with lots of talk about Hawaii and the introduction of Dottie. Getting old sucks, weird dreams and lots of listener questions.  Enjoy.

Episode 44 starts off with Pata Fria manifesting a new pet and sharing her latest reading, unapproachable soccer moms, school shopping is a drag, the truly dark side of being an empath, drifting off your meds, dysfunctional event planning and don't get in trouble at work! 

This week is episode 43 and the girls discuss some unfortunate events. Always check your drivers license for fine print, brace yourself before entering the post office, download a vpn before watching snuff, and real friends make radio dedications.  Enjoy xo.

This episode focuses on a few odd subjects. Crystal's grandfather's feature in a book,  don't lose yourself in a relationship, is the zodiac international, the rapture is all a big set up, don't give the internet your info, and do let your friends teach you sexual acts.  Enjoy.

Episode 41 starts off with a LA vacation recap, Crystal makes a medical discovery, gentrification woes, movie suggestions, animal tales, kids say the darnedest things, loving all things gross, and a very creepy murder Enjoy xo

Episode 40 is back at you with an announcement of the new Facebook group "Hello Dysfunction, the meetup", hot girl summer with golden girl knees, how this show was born, Pata Fria reunites w her dad, Crystal needs to lock her doors, don't flirt with your son and boobs are sex toys.  Enjoy xo

Episode 39 is here after a week off...the girls describe their new room, another example why humans suck, some celebrity news, food made from science and some beauty tips  Enjoy.

Episode 38 kicks off with a birthday recap, grandma's having company, don't spoil your kids, bad hygiene is rude, our deplorable government, Reebok pumps and some interesting Q&A Enjoy. 

Episode 37 is here with some hippie hacks, trouble the kids have been into, Crystal’s grandfather is worse than we imagined, unknown neighborhood names, why it’s not always good to refer ppl, and Crystal reveals a shocking secret.

Pata Fria reveals a family secret, Crystal has a pleasant surprise while shopping, some film suggestions, what the bedroom is really for, Crystal loves talking to strangers and Pata Fria hates the heat. Enjoy Episode 36.

Pata Fria can’t cry and has tattoo blisters, Crystal has an animal rescue foundation in her home, some mom talk and how to get fly in the 90’s. Enjoy. Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

Episode 34 is here with a birthday recap, some dark family secrets, a medication update, what not to do in the post office, intuition vs anxiety and Crystal rescued more f*cking cats. Enjoy. Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

Episode 33 kicks off with a recap of Crystal's hectic week, a ghost joined the Dom session, weird sex laws, uncomfortable dreams and more. Enjoy. rate us on iTunes  Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

The ladies return for episode 32 with a Mother's Day recap, the importance of being polite, some interesting news, technology is out of control, hygiene nightmares and a work story that involved some of moms miscellaneous items. Enjoy.

A Bonus Episode of Hello Dysfunction with Guest hosts the "Yee Yee  girls"

Episode 31: After a brief hiatus the podcast returns with some dysfunctional family stories, the normalcy of anilingus, bad experiences w cops, a phallic playground, bloody cocktails and lots of listener questions  Enjoy xo

Episode 30 shows up with a bang. Literally. Some talk about how much April sucks, vaginal steaming bars, Crystal's new auntie tribe and the importance of tipping. Dont ask flight crews to do your dirty deeds, queens and princesses, overbearing moms and how Pata Fria's been spending her free time.  Enjoy xo

After an interesting weekend episode 29 covers it all. Pata Fria had a panic, Crystal Barbie and family keep things interesting. Some info and details about kink life, sugar daddies are just older boyfriends, a few celebrity news stories, Planet Fitness does dirty biz, press on nails and listener questions. Enjoy xo

This week a lot of subjects are covered. White privilege is definitely real, Pata Fria made it to Detroit, Crystal does a good deed, pay attention to signs the universe is sending you, put the car in park before you get out, unfortunate news, Fisting is popular, and loads of listener questions. 

Episode 27 is full of random subjects and theories...we revisit chem trails, the effect hairstyles can have on a person, STRONG animal love, sex workers tend to steal, Crystal doesn't eat food or wear panties, Pata Fria completely misunderstood an eBay ad, the latest MJ accusers might be some damn liars, be a good friend or you're outta here, keeping your relationship hiccups within your relationship, and RIP NIPSEY HUSSLE ????

It’s dysfunction as usual this week with another ER visit, soccer startup, Crystal’s new shoes and Pata Fria’s “recovery” to name a few. Abortion, some recent news, the importance of transparency and interesting bodily facts are also discussed. Listener questions and a few “would you rathers” are included to finish you off. Enjoy xo

This week is episode 25 and the dysfunction continues with an array of interesting subjects. Some advice is offered to their younger selves, astronauts get a lot of herpes, some women really love dick pics, the French appreciate gross smells, can you really be yourself? and much more. Enjoy, xo

This week episode 24 begins with some feelings about the weather, how we're not anti-pimp and calling men a bitch is a universal no no. Stevi handles business, strip club etiquette and a little talk about Michael Jackson is discussed. More paranormal activity, is makeup catfishing and some awesome listener questions are answered. Mostly. *Our views are our own and not always agreed upon lol... enjoy xo Rate us on iTunes Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

This week’s episode begins with dreams, and spirt communication, discussion of the new MJ documentary, and Billy’s trip to Target for tampons. The ladies also share some info on interesting sex facts, Dubai showers, a begging Bay Area news anchor, and a hypothetical kidnapping. As always, enjoy.

This week we tried something new and had our producer Lev sit in. He won't be back. Enjoy xo Rate us on iTunes Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

This week opens up with a Valentine's Day recap, some parental stress and a warning about Love Potion. Weird news, a 3D printable death chamber and interesting poop preferences are also shared. Some listener questions are answered followed by a disturbing dirty client story. Enjoy xo Rate us on iTunes Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

This week starts off w some celebrity drama, blackface fashion becoming an intentional trend, it's Black History Month, grey sweats are for bachelors only, pathological liars, Pata shares an unfortunate incident (trigger warning: a sexual assault is discussed), ending with a little porch surgery among friends.  Enjoy xo Rate us on iTunes Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

This week there's some talk about problematic celebrities, the beginning of Black History Month, our shitty government, how the internet really can be great, interesting animal facts, listener questions and a story about bikers undoing their pants. Enjoy xo Rate us on iTunes Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

This week's discussion includes circumcision, pubic hair preferences, parental enablers, the new abortion law, birth control tips, war on sex workers, views on Future and Chris Brown, how to avoid being roofied, and why you should always double check your teeth before going to a dentist appointment. As always, enjoy. Rate us on iTunes Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

This week's episode wishes a happy birthday to MLK, touches on some current political dysfunction, the raising of older kids, the effects of drugs and mental illness on a family. Crystal's unhealthy ice cream addiction and bizarre eating habits, pledge to only steal from big corporations, listeners questions, a couple sleep walking stories and book yourself a Dom TKO ;) Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

The following are Rob's guy notes: 1\. Range rover white girl curves 2\. Pata watched netflix and been on her meds 3\. Back page and cryptocurrency 4\. Minimalism 5\. Documentary disagreements 6\. Sexworkers 7\. Good karma moments 8\. Government fuck ups 9\. Face advice 10\. Golden showers and rough sex 11\. Billy's tomatoes weed plants got busted 12\. Pata family crack rate us on iTunes Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

Dog rescues, R. Kelly's bullshit, disturbing childhood stories, bullying, some parenting tips, and dirty creek rendezvous. Trigger warning- sexual assault, grooming and other sensitive issues are discussed. https://hellodysfunction.com Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

It's New Year's Eve and in this final episode of 2018, Pata Fria and Crystal discuss the new year, white parents w mixed children, repairing your credit, being a submissive Christian wife, how Pata Fria got scammed on craigslist and having foul-mouthed children. Have a safe and happy new year. Don't drive drunk. https://hellodysfunction.com Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

This week the chaos of Christmas, vintage tips on how to snag a husband, Karma and a false birth control method are all discussed. Crystal shares some family dysfunction and we find out why you shouldn't tell Pata Fria you own a restaurant. Happy Holidays xo   https://hellodysfunction.com Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

Mental health, toxic relationship behavior, and why Crystal should never enter a church kick off this week's episode. The girls also talk about period sex, shitty celebrities, pervy friends, and Pata Fria's love of shock sites. The holidays, childhood snitching, and good ol' Florida also make an appearance this episode. As always, enjoy. PS- Pata Fria is still NOT a doctor. Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

This week the dysfunction gets a bit serious. The girls are discussing kaiser's strike, losing virginity, relationship advice, holding grudges, a few very personal stories, and more crying (what's new). Of course the mood is lightened with some of Pata Fria's childhood antics, nail shop preferences, and gramma's "heart attack." This episode does require a trigger warning, as sexual assault is discussed. As always, enjoy. Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

This week the dysfunctional duo are offering up parental advice of all sorts. From the Hawaiian Pine-sol event, apologizing to your children, walking the parent/friend line, and teaching your children gratitude. The girls also touch on dick pics, "porn vs. dom" reality, and as always, listener questions. Enjoy. ???? Get your holiday t-shirt pack at https://hellodysfunction.com Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

The holidays are here, and so is the dysfunction. This week the duo are talking about weird news, the online attack on sex-workers, favorite porn, a mirror ghost, and penis size. The girls close out with some listener questions, crazy sex, and a few funny stories. As always, enjoy. T-shirt holiday packs available at https://hellodysfunction.com Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

Crystal’s father Big Billy is here and the dysfunction is outta control.      "I didn't do drugs before I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, I just smoked pot, did acid and rode my motorcycle." Buckle up motherf$^#*s…. Subscribe to our mailing list for updates https://hellodysfunction.com Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

From chemtrails, to California fires, to Pata Fria's burn unit vagina story, this week the girls are on fire, literally. The duo also goes over premature ejaculation, tampons vs. diva cups, racism, and a ghost story. This episode is packed with self-love, and of course some more crying, lol. As always, enjoy.. Subscribe to our mailing list for updates https://hellodysfunction.com Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

The dysfunctional duo is back, and unapologetically unfiltered while discussing sex dolls, g-spot location, open marriages, liars, and prison relationships. They are breaking it down and dissecting so listen up. Subscribe to our mailing list for updates https://hellodysfunction.com Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

It's episode five, and the dysfunction continues. This week the girls are talking about adults that don't do oral, scissoring, pegging, and the time Pata taught Crystal how to drive a stolen car. The girls take some listener questions, give a PSA about trunk junk, and close out with a Dom story. As always, dysfunction at it's finest. ???????? Subscribe to our mailing list for updates https://hellodysfunction.com Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

This week the deviant duo return with even more dysfunction. Vaginal hygiene, loving people while they're here, Halloween, ghost stories and superstitions. Later in the show they answer some listener questions, talk about male hygiene and a Dom story to finish you off ????… enjoy. Subscribe to our mailing list for updates https://hellodysfunction.com Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

In this tell all episode Pata Fria and Crystal Barbie open up and share everything about themselves. Secrets are spilled. They discuss mental health, why we (women) settle for the bare minimum, and the difference between pedophiles and cougars. Subscribe to our mailing list for updates https://hellodysfunction.com Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

This episode requires a trigger warning. Serious issues are discussed including domestic violence, sex work/safety, murder, child abusers, and child molestation. The duo also touches on lighthearted subjects; The slut walk, favorite podcasts, birth charts, mental health, and a haunted house story that will definitely change the mood. Subscribe to our mailing list for updates https://hellodysfunction.com Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

For episode one, Pata Fria and Crystal Barbie come out with a bang. The girls start off discussing Pata Fria's recent BBL (Brazilian Butt Lift), crazy Florida stories, the infamous purple taser, mental illness, medication and Crystal accidentally seeing her dad's package. They also go over Bill Cosby, bullies, raunchy sex stories and receiving electronics from family members that still contain dick pics. Subscribe to our mailing list for updates https://hellodysfunction.com Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow