How To Do Everything

In our last episode, we learn how to drink tea, build human towers, watch the sunset forever and find the Ian inside all of us.

We learn what happened to a two-thousand year-old toe, and what to do when our voices make you sick.

Devil In The White City author Erik Larson helps us write gooder, and we tell you how to snack silently at the movies.

Mark Bittman helps us answer a very creepy question, and we learn who's helping the Obamas move.

How to talk to fish and protect your yard signs.

We help you brush that dirt off your shoulder and get the most out of your Reese's.

We tell you how to get deep and how to fake childhood memories.

A listener needs help opening his Velcro bag quietly, so we call in the military.

How to get people to remember your name and find thousands of worms. Note: this episode talks about curse words but bleeps them out. It's educational, but there's a lot of cursing.

We tell you how to keep your fries crispy and make your friends cry.

How to lose to Usain Bolt by a slightly smaller margin, and another use for your bowling shoes.

How to endure hearing someone describe their dream.

How to bathe discreetly and get close to a panda.

How to pick a winner in a bear v. tiger fight, find an endangered species, and eat spicy food.

How to train your pet jellyfish and plan a wedding no one will forget.

With how-to advice from a bunch of Olympians and Patrick Stewart.

How to protect your cow and pull a loose tooth.

How to celebrate your new favorite holiday and enjoy the Summer Olympics.

How to talk to a dinosaur and survive a public bathroom.

How to have less fun at the beach, and how to enjoy graham crackers.

How to defend against the dark arts, call someone a jerk, and look cool around dads.

We help Ryan and Ryan, and learn what bees are thinking.

How to blend into the background, and harness the secret power of watermelon.

Why you do what you do when you've really gotta go.

How to keep score at a Cubs game and find the best seat on your next flight.

This week we save a marriage and improve the most awkward minute of your day.

This week we find out why EJ sings.

How AC/DC could save your life, and we defend weasels.

How to keep a secret, and how to say goodbye bye bye.

A 21st Century mom gets a visit from the 24th Century.

How to avoid a bad bee sting, get back at bad Facebook posters, and look cool when you're carrying a Trapper Keeper.

How to shake hands like a politician, free up space on your iPhone, and talk about golf.

The fun way to monitor air pollution and deal with an annoying co-worker.

How to defeat the Nazis and wind the Great Clock.

We talk to astronauts on the International Space Station, and help name a burrito restaurant here on earth.

How to start your day and clean the ceiling.

How to tell the presidential candidates apart and count seconds effectively.

How to actually enjoy yourself at the symphony, and sneak your name into your favorite TV show.

This episode has nothing to do with the movie "Love & Basketball."

Special guest Nick Offerman solves your biggest problem, and who to call when a killer asteroid is on its way.

How to make your food taste sweeter, and valentines that say Be Someone Else's.

How to leave a message, send a message, and destroy drones.

Boy, that title makes it seem like a different show this week. Note: this podcast contains no actual Donald Trump.

How to make s'mores in the most dangerous way possible, and how to make s'peace with your rooster.

How to sleep with the fishes and live like El Chapo.

How to talk about the stock market, get an elk out of your basement, and spoil SpaghettiOs.

How to deter thieves, tell a bedtime story, hum a song, and find sunken treasure.

How to celebrate Christmas in Catalonia, ruin French toast, and get a seat on the subway.

How to find giant insects, serve eggnog, and welcome extraterrestrials.

How to always win the wishbone pull, dodge awkward dinner conversations, and eat as much as possible.

How to distract someone you love, and a surprising discovery in Queen Elizabeth's art collection.

How to smuggle a live chicken, frighten your dentist, and hitchhike offensively.

How to stay awake during meetings, look sexy in a safety vest, and really smell something.

How to escape when you've been buried alive, and more. If you've been buried alive, though, just call 911 and listen to the episode later.

How to throw a really unsettling punch, scare someone, and delight children around the world.

How to survive a breakup, keep your bike from getting stolen, and count Davids.

How to defend yourself against monsters, lend money properly, and play a game of Crud. Also: a correction.

This week, we provide assistance to the Russian Government, and to two small children.

Pope Francis is visiting the US this week. We help him act like a local.

How to take a photograph of your cat, talk to your dog, talk to a British person, and talk to a British dog.

How much money is there on the planet? We investigate.

Ian visits a corpse flower, a stinky jungle plant which has been waiting 12 years to bloom.

We talk about the weather, but not in a boring way. We hope.

How to send secret messages, heal your wounds, and more.

How to stay cool in the summertime, and salt your food without salt.

This week we tell you how to choose the best name ever for your baby and investigate an old outhouse mystery.

A listener wants to know how not to get startled. Ian and Mike either help or make it worse.

This week we tell you how to get a fancy free hat and freak out your entire town.

We listen back to our interview with Sonia Sotomayor, we cure brain freeze, and the Fonz himself helps you look cool.

Ian and Mike are out of the office. They talk about it, then they change the world, then they play some old segments.

How to defeat your winged enemies and prove how good you are at the bongos.

How to take beautiful photographs of your cat, and how to digest your food. Plus, we say goodbye to a beloved colleague. Not Gillian. We already said goodbye to Gillian.

How to conduct yourself around pie, and how to name your bird.

We help you relax, and help you become a fossil. Plus, some words of encouragement as you enter the final days of the exclamation point fast.

How to make sense of what your computer is saying, make an uneasy pengiun comfortable, and use up old newspapers. Plus we have a tip to get you through the last week of our Exclamation Point Fast.

We help endangered penguins carry on their species, and we help you make small talk with kids. Plus: our Exclamation Point Fast continues, with catastrophic results.

How to make a mountain shorter and a new use for bacon. Plus, we check in on our exclamation point fast.

How to find alternatives for the f-word, cook your chicken in the most spectacular way possible, and stop using exclamation points! That was our last one.

How to celebrate without getting everyone else sick and the fastest way to get published in the New York Times.

How to make your pregnancy more exciting and the Olympics more competitive.

How to wake up, celebrate your birthday properly, and shoot a free throw. This is not an April Fool's Day episode. Were we supposed to do an April Fool's Day episode?

How to become Cheetah Boy, and a warning about lipstick.

How to get the milk you want and deserve, and the truth about asparagus.

A cow is rescued, and a nose is picked.

How to beat the winter, find love, and make the Olympic team.

We help you get unstuck and survive your walk to work.

This week we help you find your seat without bothering the people around you.

How to drive a rally car, bluff convincingly, and look pretty when you get your picture taken.

This week, how to never miss a meeting, decide if your shark needs pants, and more.

How to keep your cereal from getting soggy, and we make a very interesting dip for the big sporting event with the misshapen ball that will be played on Sunday and shall not be named.

How to stop that email you shouldn't have sent, and how to swim a lap. Plus: a friend in need is a friend indeed.

This week we solve an age-old spinach mystery and help out the FBI. Plus football predictions from Gillian!

How to crack a case, and how to build a really, really, really big Lego model.

This episode is only for cows. Humans are advised to skip this and listen to one of our many human-focused episodes instead. 

Cows, it turns out, hate the sound of cowbells. We try and help out our bovine friends. 

This week a Ninja Master gives Santa some tips on sneaking around and how to make 2015 the best year ever.

A listener is getting laser hair removal, and it hurts. A lot. Mike and Ian help her deal with the pain, with some help from the toughest people they could find. 

This week we tell you how to punch someone in the face without hurting anyone and get solar power the Jackie Chan way.

We're out of the office this week, but we've put together a few Thanksgiving-ish howtos from past shows. 

How to survive family time this Thanksgiving. Plus, the moving walkway is coming to an end.  

How to find all those typoos you made, and how they test out those wicking t-shirts. 

We do our best to help out Josiah, who needs to beat a much stronger guy in arm wrestling. Also: nocturnal sneezing. 

A special Halloween episode with lots of zombies and scary things.

How to get service at a restaurant and a man learns to ride a bike without training wheels. 

How to correct someone gracefully, and how to mow your lawn without a lawnmower. 

How to get the most out of your root beer, insult people from ancient times and make peace with that sneezy guy on the train.

How to predict the winter, describe the taste of bubblegum, and park your blimp safely. 

How to make sense of the credits at the end of a movie, doodle old school, and how companies choose the names for people in their ads. 

How to freshen up with gin and we solve a stinky mystery.

How to dress your Dreadnaughtus; avoid ATM fees and taste somebody's name. 

Mike and Ian help you with a common pet problem. Also, they've missed you, by the way. 

Ian takes a visit to the National Ice Core Lab in Colorado, where they store all those thousand-year-old ice cores they pull out of Antarctica. 

How not to get lost in the wild. A quick tip from our summer break.

We're on the road this week, so just a short show for you. But we will tell you the strange, tragic story of The Noid, the old Domino's Pizza mascot from the 80s. 

This week we tell you how to turn beach trip into a treasure hunt and how to snack on crickets.

How to travel with your baby, and what to do when you've really, really got to go. 

Life inside a scoreboard and how to find the best seat on your next flight. 

How to get your very own bottled water past a TSA checkpoint, defend your international tennis tournament from varmints, and protect the President. 

How to make sense of a buffet, jump out of a plane, and swim like a manatee. 

We tell you the worst way to clean your chimney, how to take moment and the one thing you should be scared of this week.

How to prepare for the World Cup, and how to tell your parents you're getting married. Plus: the moon, the tides, and a man who wasn't entirely happy with a recent episode of "Wait, Wait...Don't Tell Me."

How to have less fun at the beach, and how to enjoy graham crackers. 

How to introduce yourself, get rid of that whale on the beach, plus the one thing you should be afraid of this week.

The inside story on the greatest burp ever burped, how wild animals celebrate Cinco de Mayo, and more. 

Breaking Bad's Vince Gilligan determines exactly how long people need to wait before talking about spoilers, Mary Roach helps a listener with a fart-related question, and more.

This week we tell you how to bathe your T.rex and eat your lunch without burning yourself.

How to get rid of those leftover Marshmallow Peeps, make good use of your pet dolphin, and play video games forever. 

This week we tell you how to make a rat laugh, throw a better breaking ball and start a fire with snacks.

How to avoid a bad bee sting, get back at bad Facebook posters, and look cool when you're carrying a Trapper Keeper. 

How to open a bag of chips, save all the animals and go up to bat. Plus, Jeff Garlin tells us how to pick the perfect Christmas tree.

This week we tell you how to fool zombies, how to sneeze in the Daytona 500 and we find another reason to love fried shrimp.

How to save money on clothes without giving up anything but your dignity, minimize the number of fights during Monopoly, and get the excellent restaurant service you don't deserve. 

How to get rid of that perfume you never wear, properly call someone a nimrod, and celebrate St.Patrick's Day Chicago style. 

How to properly make use of your cat, and how to make it in the NHL. Plus special guest meteorologist Paula Poundstone gives us our first ever weather report. 

  We remember Harold Ramis by learning how the movie Groundhog Day was almost very different, John Lithgow tells us how to play it cool at the Oscars, and we help a listener find love at the gym

This week we learn how to beat a spelling bee, how to talk to bees and a new use for cement.

How to feel better about this freezing winter, and how to prevent a hijacking. Plus, something to think about when you're smashed between two people in puffy coats on the subway.  And if you're playing along at home: it's spelled Verkhoyansk. 

This week we tell you how to move like a glacier, write a cartoon musical and lose friends. 

This week we tell you how to keep your beer from freezing, keep your hands warm at the South Pole and how to talk about the Super Bowl without saying Super Bowl.

How to deal with an embarrassing name, and how to spy like a lady. Plus, a revelation that may change breakfast forever. 

This week we tell you how to pour pulled cod like a pad kid, put out a fire like a frat boy and we help A-Rod figure out what to do this summer. 

How to take the spark out of your romance, survive the deep freeze, and growl like a radio bear.

The great Sir Patrick Stewart, in perhaps the role of his life, helps a listener answer a question about cows. 

How to get the best possible tip when you're waiting tables, how to hug properly, and Peter Sagal joins us for an Egg Nog taste test. 

How to get an autograph, how to have a baby (but not how to make a baby), and a visit from pro wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin. Plus: we talk to a couple winners of our Thanksgiving Travel Photo Contest!

This week we tell where Big Bird comes from, how new colors get their names, plus the Full Beaver Moon.

A game to make horrible holiday travel slightly less horrible, political strategist David Axelrod helps you dodge those awkward Thanksgiving dinner conversations, and more. 

This week an astronaut tells you how to have a long distance relationship, how to press your pants when taking a nap and how to spoon.

How to ship a package in a way that will lessen the likelihood it gets destroyed, score an eight pointer when you’re playing basketball, and measure the wind. Plus: wordsearch winners!  

How to get free coasters, curse across the world and avoid offending people with your word search. Plus, one last Toilet of the Week.

How to tell your rock formations apart, introduce yourself to the wonderful world of Star Trek, and do a body good. Plus: a portable Toilet of the Week! 

Hal Needham, our favorite stuntman, died Friday at 82. He did stunts in more than 300 films, directed "Smokey and the Bandit" and "The Cannonball Run," won an Honorary Oscar last year, got a lot of speeding tickets, and broke a lot of bones. He was a regular guest on our show, and here we listen back to a few of our favorite moments with him. 

How to survive the food at a bar mitzvah, get out of jail and rack up billions in late fees. Plus, a spooky toilet of the week.

How to protect your valuables, discover a new species, and order water at a restaurant without looking like an idiot. Plus: an international Toilet of the Week! 

How to keep your dog safe on roadtrips, fight off a lemur and a trip to the Yukon.

How to stop a swarm of bees from ruining your game and a totally legal way to make blue crystal meth.* *not actually crystal meth, but it is blue

Washington Post reporter Ian Shapira talks about covering the Navy Yard shooting. And: now that the new iPhone has a fingerprint scanner, you don't have to enter in your password anymore, which saves you almost half a second. We'll tell you a few ways to spend that extra time. 

How to avoid spoilers, pronounce a really, really, really long name, and get out of jury duty. 

How to get ready for a tennis match, plan a flea circus, and take a compliment. You look nice today, by the way. 

How to compliment your dog, get your bagel sandwich to work without making a mess and twerking.

How to discover a new mammal, have the coolest name in baseball and make a robot laugh.

How to clean up after a rock star and make the call on a photo finish. Plus, a special warning to our listeners in Scandinavia.

How to deal with your smelly roommate using hypnosis or a plant.

This week we join the crew from Fermi Lab on the final leg of their electromagnetic road trip.

How to sound intelligent at the race track and smuggle money across the border. Plus, Peter Sagal tries your ice cream. 

How to survive on a desert island, name your baby, and pass the time while you're waiting for your baby. Also, we like poodles and noodles. 

How to move your really, really, really big magnet, survive when your flight get cancelled, and weigh your pet bee. Plus: your Toilet of the Week!

This week we tell you how to prepare your zookeepers to deal with a rogue panda.

How to look cool as a cucumber when it’s hot as a something hot outside, and how to make something NSFW into something SFW. Plus: a technologically advanced toilet of the week, and more.  

How to win in hockey, create a new flavor of ice cream, and another reason to be suspicious of the UPS guy. #HTDE111 

This week tell you how to intimadate jurors, pronounce the longest word in Germany and deal with your stinky clothes.

How to improve your butter experience 1000%, perform an exorcism, and obtain cheese in the most dangerous way possible. Plus: your Toilet of the Week! 

How to cook cicadas and how to be Darth Vader. Plus future NBA stars tell you how to be a basketball fan. 

This week we tell you how to recruit a double agent, spruce up your uniform and keep your books dry.

How to enjoy popcorn, survive the Confidence Chamber, and get a good night's sleep - with help from Dr. Ruth.

How to talk beer, write an obituary and make the best of a badly timed one night stand.

This week we tell you how to play golf without wearing any pants, fit in with construction workers and deal with sinkholes.

How to keep that guy behind you from talking all the way through the movie, spy on your enemies, and get a job in modeling even if you’ve got a weird face. Plus: our March Madness winner, and a very remote Toilet of the Week!

How to prepare for a galactic journey.

How to fly a space age war plane, how to explain love to your dog and a very special toilet of the week. Plus, a March Madness update with Dick Vitale.

How to win your elementary school talent show, keep your daughter from making fun of you, and drive as dangerously as possible. Two of these are a good idea.

How to make the perfect Chicken McNugget, celebrate the lifting of the NYC Soda Ban, and impress your three-year-old daughter. Plus the great comic book artist Chris Ware helps you learn to draw, and a very contemplative Toilet Of The Week!

How to rescue a deer friend or human friend stuck out on the ice, and name your new car. Plus we listen back to an Iditarod dispatch as the great sled dog race goes on in Alaska. Plus: your Toilet of the Week, and we give you nicknames. 

How to clean your disgusting computer keyboard at work, sit comfortably at an awards show, and Barry Manilow helps a listener write a catchy jingle. Plus: our first ever Human Toilet of the Week!

How to open your bag of chips easily, every time, how to keep from falling on the ice, and how to test out your new spy plane. And of course, your Toilet of the Week. 

How to sit behind the president during the State of the Union Address and you'll never eat Chinese take-out the same again.

This week we learn how to create a presidential seal and how to give the official response to the State of the Union Address. Plus, a Toilet of the Week just in time for Mardi Gras.

How to cash in at the Super Bowl, camouflage your car, and a very, very special guest helps a listener learn to love baseball. Plus: your toilet of the week!

How to take a portrait of President Obama, how to play wide receiver in the NFL, and how to take on the role of Shrek in your high school musical. Plus: Producer Blythe goes out into the world to find our Toilet of the Week. 

How to make the best ponytail possible, keep your milk from going bad, and use those old Livestrong bracelets you're not wearing anymore. Plus, Saturday Night Live & Portlandia's Fred Armisen comes back to help you with another problem. 

How to remember which one's Bill Pullman and which one's Bill Paxton, how to act like a local in Russia, and an international Toilet of the Week. Also, for our Jurassic listeners, how to ride a dinosaur. 

How to keep from crying when you chop onions, how to finish that joke from Dumb & Dumber, and a childhood fear gets investigated. 

How to test out an airplane, look cool, and set up a classic joke. Plus: our toilet of the week, and the beginning and end of our new segment, "Nautical Notes." 

How to smuggle drugs across the border (or stop a drug smuggler, if that's more your thing), become a standup comedian, and root for your favorite team. Plus: our toilet of the week! 

Just a quick show this week as we're on the road, but we will tell you how to charge your phone when you forget your power adapter, and we talk to author Lee Child. He writes the Jack Reacher books, about a guy who pretty much knows how to do everything. Plus: your toilet of the week! 

How to face down a heckler, make a movie with a cheetah, and get off the phone. Plus: our first international Toilet of the Week! 

How to always win the wishbone pull, and navigate Thanksgiving family drama. Plus: Paula Deen on turkey, and we talk pumpkin pie with James Iha of the Smashing Pumpkins. Seriously. 

How to get a bumper sticker off your car, find a suitable substitute during a cockroach shortage (this is something that happens, apparently), and read a woman’s t-shirt without looking like a creep. Plus, Carl Bernstein, of Woodward and Bernstein, helps us put a name on the Petraeus Scandal. 

How to stop a hurricane and win every single swing state. Plus the lovely Kristin Chenoweth helps you sing a showtune, with assistance from another very special guest. 

A look inside the Apple Store Employee Manual, how to enjoy the World Series if you’re like Ian and you don’t know a thing about baseball, and how to make a good Halloween costume.

How to always remember your lunch, steal a million dollar painting, hang out with a farmer, and more. Plus: our Toilet of the Week.

How to eat a cupcake, make s’mores properly, and maybe, just maybe, help your plants grow. Plus, our Toilet Of The Week! 

We tell you how to prepare for your presidential debate, fix your old Nintendo games and begin our most ambitious project ever.

How to dress for the office, keep coffee off your pants, and take over the mic at a volleyball game. Plus: why you always lose at crane games. 

This week we learn how to care for a new mustache, pick a pocket square and recover from an embarrassing video.

How to lie about your secret mission and talk about strikes. Plus info about the How To meetup in Atlanta.

How to get your corn off the cob, ref an NFL game, name your modern Swedish furniture, and more!

With how to advice from: Sir Patrick Stewart, US Olympian Matt Tegenkamp, New Zealand Olympian Quentin Rew, Nigerian Olympian Koko Archibong, Australian Olympian Russel Mark, Senator and Olympic Gold Medalist Bill Bradley, Canadian Curler Kristie Moore, and more. 

How to save money at an outdoor music festival, zombie-proof your car, and become a Blue Man. Plus, Governor Evan Bayh tells us how to survive the VP vetting process.

Mike and Ian are out of the office this week. But we went way back to the early episodes to find the old segments we’re actually not embarrassed of! If you’ve heard every episode, maybe skip this. But if you’re a new listener, we’ll tell you how to act around celebrities, how to run for office, how to bring a stale bagel back to life, and more. See you next week with the regular new stuff.