The Meg-John & Justin Podcast

This week we do Freak Nasty: which is both a jam and a bop according to Eleanor. It's an extremely interesting sex jam which flips subjectivities and desire whilst also being extremely interested in non-reproductive forms of sexual activity. As with all the Culture Sex Relationships episodes, this is for over 18s. We swear in this one. In the extra version for Patrons there is a few more minutes chat about the song and also we watch the video - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNVuhP8ehdo Hope you like it! Justin

Here are the questions and some of the links I mentioned "Everyone I know and everyone I follow on social media is very pro-vaccines and so I kind of go along with the crowd on this one, without really knowing much, something I’m not proud of and want to change. All of the discourse I see online is very loud and angry and - I’m sure it’s with good reason - but I struggle to build my own stance on it based on this. I was wondering if you could answer something along the lines of ‘How can we practice consent in discussing and making choices around vaccines whilst also protecting each other and especially the most vulnerable in our society?’ I know it’s a big and sensitive topic (especially at the moment) so totally okay if it’s not something you want to tackle right now but thought I’d put it out there just in case." Freedoms and Covid https://www.bishuk.com/relationships/freedoms-and-covid/ Herd immunity https://www.who.int/news-room/q-a-detail/herd-immunity-lockdowns-and-covid-19 Vaccine hesistancy https://www.bmj.com/content/372/bmj.n513 Going with the cognitive grain paper https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2016.01483/full “I work with teenagers in my private practice and run a training course for counsellors wishing to work with C & YP I wonder if you could discuss the following question in an 'Ask Justin' show if you feel it would interest your patreons. How to support under 21's in consensual decision-making re sex? I am particularly interested in the decision-making or not of those YP who say the following ' I have to have sex or they will tell everyone at school I won't' ' It's what you do to keep a relationship' 'blow jobs aren't sex and they are expected of course' I am struck by the lack of their knowledge around consent and choice.” https://www.bishuk.com/can-we-talk-about-consent/ https://www.bishuk.com/tag/consent/ https://bishtraining.com/product/the-consent-teaching-pack/ “In response to your invitation for questions for the podcast, I was thinking recently that maybe it's time to query user guides. I think to the extent that they help people reflect and focus on their own needs and desires, it's really helpful. But I think the concept is a bit limiting. It risks fixing people's understanding of their sexuality, and propagating quite a static model of it. If you understand your sexuality is something that evolves over time, and connecting with another person as something that has a possibility of revealing different aspects of it, I'm not sure how user guides could do this justice?” Our zines https://megjohnandjustin.com/publications/ Our episode on this https://megjohnandjustin.com/you/writing-our-own-scripts/ Deleuze and Guattari episode https://culturepowerpolitics.org/podcasts/ Also latest ACFM https://soundcloud.com/novaramedia/acfm-trip-14-desire

It’s a Sin Review This week I was delighted to be joined by Silva Neves to talk about It’s A Sin, which is a very popular mini-series on Channel 4 (available to watch here) https://www.channel4.com/programmes/its-a-sin What did we think about the show? As viewers and also our thoughts about the show from our perspectives: psychosexual therapist, sex and relationships educator. Here’s my sex education guide to the show for young people https://www.bishuk.com/your-call/a-sex-and-relationships-guide-to-its-a-sin/ You can get in touch with Silva at: www.silvaneves.co.uk If you want to train in clinical sexology: https://www.theinstituteofsexology.org/ Here are the rough notes that we followed for the show. HIV and homophobia (as I say at the beginning of the episode, we focused on homophobia because that was the focus of the show, but clearly there was also explicit biphobia and racism in the reporting of and handling of the pandemic in the 80s and now) Homophobia increased during the 80s, HIV weaponised by the press and to an extent government in this This homophobia is still with us around HIV and also sex addiction, chemsex ‘the new gay plague’. Problematising sex. Sex Sexual norms Condoms Sexual scripts of what counts as gay eroticism and gay sexuality (what they open up and close down) ‘Real’ sex & ‘real’ gay masculinities and ‘Real’ sex and ‘real’ heterosexualities too (eg Bridgerton) Characters The extent to which they are representative of characters today. Apart from treatment and healthcare, what might be different today? Some more community minded than others (range of different politics). In the extended version we discussed (for another 20 mins or so): Grief and trauma The erasing of sexualities and relationships at funeral Inability to grieve because of secrecy and shame The extent to which we still have this Hangover of the trauma of HIV Importance of stories So many people were lost Difficult to talk about Loss of many potential ‘elders’ The importance of stories of collective joy and pleasure

I was delighted to be joined today to chat with Meg-John and Alex about their excellent new workbook 'Hell Yeah Self Care!' We chatted about: The importance of self care Why people critique self care Self care as political and anti-capitalist Wellbeing giving self-care a bad name Comparing self-care with the network of care we discussed in the Hologram episode The capacity for doing care and self-care is unfairly distributed Trauma and self-care Reflective self care The kindness cradle of slowness, gentleness, being enough, and consent For the full discussion head to our Patreon where you can hear us chat for another 20 mins about: Somatic self-care Coronavirus, lockdowns and self care It’s really excellent so please do buy it and have a go. It’s playful and interesting whilst also being challenging and gentle. You can get it from most bookshops online, but here’s a nice indie queer publisher https://www.queerlit.co.uk/products/hell-yeah-self-care Justin

"Hey! I want to say thanks for all your work — it’s great and I’ve recommended this podcast to a bunch of mates. You’re really doing a service here and I’m incredibly appreciative. My question is kinda related to covid bubbles and covid horniness. Is it cool to ask someone you’re bubbling with if they want to have sex? Can you do this in a way which doesn’t mess up the delicate ecosystem of the bubble?/ leaves loads of room for them to say no? And in a way where you can maintain Vibes where you’re comfortable with hanging out whatever the outcome? It seems like there’s pros and cons but wondering what your take is and if you’ve any advice as to how to be really careful with consent around this question." [I realise I answered this question assuming the bubbles live together when they might now, but I think the answer still works] Here were my notes for the answer. Change is inevitable, we're always changing. Even thinking this causes a change. Delicate eco system, how? What processes do you have in place to keep that? How have you navigated the changes? Are you all doing a little bit of work, in an embodied on-going way? Is one person doing a lot of work? What are the rules already about contact, intimacy, sexual chats, flirtation? What is implicit and what is explicit? What would destroy the eco system, what would enhance it? Are delicate eco systems always good? Is there a vibe? God I'm so horny, I wish I could date someone, have they changed sex, I'm so bored of wanking. No vibe no go. Useful to think about what you want from the sex. What kind of sexual, intimate, or sensual contact might do this? Think about what the home means. For some it's a place where it can feel sexy, for others it might really not. Familial warmth, sexy hot times. How might you employ different aspects of your relationship to be able to manage these often competing vibes? Think about your sexuality scale. What meanings does sex have for you? If you're someone who can have friendly sex just like watching a film with a friend or having dinner with them, cool. What about the others? How many are there in a bubble? Who do you want to be involved with? Think about the broader eco system beyond the bubble? Is this just a break glass on case of emergency? What happens after? Is it a fantasy of yours? Acting on crushes - booof First question. I was wondering how you felt about the living situation and how we get on. Open it up to be about all things in the eco system and what's on offer. Say what you want. Having a vague notion that might be up for some sexy times with them is good because if you don't ask you don't get. Ask in a way where there is a range of possible options. Give space and time and allow for awkwardness. If it's not awkward it probably means that someone is going along with something to make you feel at ease. Notice what's going on for you after you've put it out there. What does everyone want the sex to do for them? Something new, excitement, to feel desired, orgasm/pleasure, be in a different headspace, transcend, intense relaxation, to be in a completely different power dynamic (owned, or not in control, not making decisions, sub space) etc. Transactional. One person doing it for another. Expand the range of erotic possibilities that best meet these needs. Start with a couple of things you're both keen on. Red flags for you about sex but also about maintaining the eco system afterwards? Places. Things said. Roles. Sense of an event. A before during after. User guide volume knobs. If you're turning one thing up, do you need to turn other things down? More solo time?

This week we do one of the best Sex Jams of all time Sexual Healing, by the incredible Marvin Gaye. We love this song so much but have you ever read the lyrics? Marvin is really ill and should not be having sex with anyone, in our opinion. Anyway the song still rocks and the video is amazing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjlSiASsUIs If you would like to hear our commentary on the video check out the extended Patreon version of this episode at patreon.com/culturesexrelationships Pay whatever you can afford. Justin

In this episode I’m joined by my pal Sara, to review the Netflix show Bridgerton. Over 63 million people have watched it and apparently it’s the 5th most popular Netflix show of all time. We chatted about race briefly but we focussed on the relationships and sex themes, as the multi-racial casting and inadequate treatment of racism has been covered by others in more detail already. For example this piece https://gal-dem.com/bridgerton-racism-netflix-post-racial-britain/ and this one https://www.refinery29.com/en-gb/2020/12/10244616/bridgerton-review-blackness-representation We covered: Romance novels and sexist criticisms of their readership Romance tropes (fake relationship, big misunderstandings) Shame and purity norms Patriarchy How characters did or didn’t have agency in a system with such unjust and scarce capacity for freedom Masturbation and agency Painful first time sex tropes The hegemony of reproductive sex Sexual harms and violence vs legalistic readings of consent Hope you enjoy it! To hear the whole discussion head to patreon.com/culturesexrelationships Justin PS I'm going to start doing some more advice shows again soon. So please send me your questions about sex and relationships to the new email address culturesexrelationships at gmail dot com

This week I chatted with Cassie Thornton and her work 'The Hologram'. The Hologram is a viral, social technology to help us to give and receive peer to peer support for our health. Health here being the biopsychosocial model of health that we've covered in previous episodes. It's such an excellent, simple, and radical idea and is rooted in solidarity and community building. A workbook for how to create your own Hologram, and why it's necessary, has been published by Pluto Press https://www.plutobooks.com/9780745343327/the-hologram/ I read it a few weeks ago and found it really interesting and wanted you to know about it. Join us in our Patreon to hear the full version of this conversation (another 25 mins) where we talk about consent, friendships, masculinities, and self-care and podcasts. patreon.com/culturesexrelationships

Let's all watch the video to Last Christmas by Wham! together. It's definitely not a sex jam, but there's an *interesting* relationship dynamic in the video that we talk about. We explain how you can watch this along with us and when to pause, so we can chat about the various meaningful looks, the brooch, and how beautiful George is. https://youtu.be/E8gmARGvPlI Support us on Patreon! patreon.com/GoingMedieval patreon.com/Culturesexrelationships Have a Christmas! Justin and Eleanor.

This week I chatted with Elsie Whittington about consent education. We've both been working on this a lot recently so it was a mutual chat rather than an interview. We chatted about how consent should be embedded rather than being a discrete subject. The problems with binary and legalistic models of consent. How continuums and spectrums can open up the topic and allow for people to understand how it might work in real life scenarios. The importance of embodiment and agency and how structures (schools, unis, workplaces) can make consent harder. Elsie is a lecturer and youth worker at the Manchester Centre for Youth Studies, Manchester Metropolitan University. She is one of the leading voices in consent education as part of sexuality and relationship education for young people. Her excellent paper Rethinking consent with continuums: sex, ethics and young people, is published in the journal Sex Education by Routledge. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/14681811.2020.1840343 My book, Can We Talk About Consent? A book about freedom, choices, and agreement. Written for young adults, it aims to go beyond basic, binary and legalistic notions of consent and expands the definition to talk about agency, power, choices, social scripts, collective agency, solidarity, privilege and empowerment. Lots of practical advice about how to put consent into practice using everyday examples. https://www.bishuk.com/can-we-talk-about-consent/ To hear the full show, sign up to patreon.com/culturesexrelationships from just $1 a month.

First of all, there's an announcement about the show and why we've re-branded from 'Meg-John & Justin' to 'Culture Sex Relationships' Then we have episode 3 of Sex Jams! This one is about 2 Become 1 by the Spice Girls. We discuss consent, heterosex gender norms, courtly love, intimacy vs sex, intentional relationships. In the extended Patreon cut at patreon.com/culturesexrelationships we discuss how it's our first safer sex jam. Also, is it really a sex jam? Is it a Christmas song? Is Christmas sexy? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FA5jsa1lR9c&list=OLAK5uy_nrV_8KYy40fx7MwiJuvbWEprzZEs2UfDY Hope you like it! Justin

In episode 2 we chat about One Minute Man, by Missy Eliot, featuring Ludacris and Trina. We discuss the narratives around premature ejaculation, desire, masculinities, objectification, and oral. Eleanor raps the Ludacris verse, which is amazing. Justin soberly reads out the Trina verse, which is perfunctory at best. The video for the 'dirty' version of the song is here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-CJXwQJZaM The official music video has all of the rude words taken out which also removes all meaning from the song and our podcast would make no sense, but that's here if you want to see Missy dancing and Ludacris doing something strange with bed pans https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XayUCLgxS5c

A new podcast as part of the Meg-John & Justin universe! 'Sex Jams' is where a sex educator and a sex historian discuss songs to do with sex. Justin and Eleanor this week start with George Michael's 'I Want Your Sex'. There is some singing and one of us is clearly better at that than the other. If you want to familiarise yourself with the song first, the full 'monogamy mix' is on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yz-EBKHOfWc You're welcome.

This time on the podcast we attempted to normalise the tough feelings that most of us are having at this phase of the Covid-19 pandemic (going into Autumn/Fall 2020). Using the ‘Phases of Disaster’ model we framed our current moment as the long ‘disillusionment’ phase which may last months or even longer. We talked about why it’s really okay to not feel okay right now, and what we might do with our feelings of not-okayness.

Here's us chatting about consent in romantic relationships. We originally did this for our Patreon feed, so they've been able to listen to this for ages now. Lucky them! Join now from just $1.20 a month patreon.com/megjohnandjustin

This time on the podcast we discussed kindness. Here on our free feed you can listen to our overview of what kindness is and why it’s so important. Then please check out our Patreon to listen to part two of this conversation where we chatted more about how to be kind.

[Sorry the sound isn't as great as usual] Earpal Questions This time on the podcast we answered four listener questions. Here’s a few notes on the questions and our answers. They relate to (1) changing support dynamics in friendship, (2) navigating a reconnecting relationship with an ex, (3) dealing with intrusive thoughts, (4) unhelpful friend’s responses to a shift in gender of partner.

Bonus episode mid-week episode where we talked about our awesome new bingo card, put together by the fabulous Katie Green. Katie is a wonderful illustrator, and podcaster and zine-maker, who touches on similar themes to us at times, but also writes about knitting and sewing. You might enjoy her most recent comic about ace joy and relationship hierarchies. Feel free to play bingo along with our episodes sometime and tag us on #mjandjbingo with the results. Head over to the website to download it. https://megjohnandjustin.com/uncategorised/bingo/

Sociological review playlist: The Meg-John and Justin desert island discs This time on the podcast we talked about our desert island discs - the songs that we most relate to our Meg-John and Justin project. The prompt for this was that the online journal The Sociological Review asked us to be part of their ‘Music and Sound’ themed month (July 2020) where twelve sociologists provide them with a 'sociological' playlist. Full blog and tracklist at megjohnandjustin.com

We talked about sadness, sorrow, grief, mourning and melancholia. How can we be with sadness and use it to help us to connect with ourselves and others, and mobilize us towards justice? And how can we avoid shutting down on sadness, or giving up in the face of overwhelming grief? Full blog post and links at https://megjohnandjustin.com/you/sadness/

In this edition of the podcast we thoroughly unpacked the recent TV show Normal People. For an overview of advice about sex, relationships, and ourselves - based on the show - check out Justin’s post over on BishUK. We agreed that we felt ambivalent about the show. While it depicted some things beautifully and profoundly, it also reproduced and reinforced some normative narratives - and engaged in forms of tokenism and erasure - in ways we found problematic.

This time on the podcast we talked about anger. How can we be with anger and use it to help us to hold our boundaries and mobilize us towards justice? And how can we avoid reacting out of it in ways that manifest as aggression, violence, or hatred (whether turned inwards towards ourselves or outwards towards other people)? Read the full article over at megjohnandjustin.com

This time on the podcast we answered a listener’s question: What is this neoliberalism (that we often mention) and how does it relate to sex and relationships. Read the full show notes / blog at the website megjohnandjustin.com

Justin was joined by Joana Ramiro, a freelance journalist. We chatted about a concept which Joana calls Radical Hygge. About how in this moment of coronavirus we might think of ways to collectively organise our lives so that we can have the flexibility, capacity, and opportunities to have better lives. The twitter thread that started this conversation is here https://twitter.com/JoanaRamiroUK/status/1239148454485557249 Joana also makes podcasts about left wing journalism 'Red Hacks' the latest episode of that is here https://soundcloud.com/poltheoryother/redhacks-socialism-football-and-when-sports-journalism-turns-radical-w-suzanne-wrack Here's the Craig Gent article about supermarket logistics https://novaramedia.com/2020/03/23/when-logistics-run-out-of-time/ Here's a podcast with David Graeber about Bullshit Jobs https://soundcloud.com/novaramedia/novarafm-david-graeber-bullshit-jobs-direct-democracy-the-end-of-capitalism Remember that every other episode is for Patrons only. So if you want to hear me and MJ chatting about solo sex (for a total of 2 hours) and for a watchalong of Groundhog Day you need to sign up from just $1 per month patreon.com/megjohnandjustin Justin x

This time on the podcast we went through the different kinds of love - as suggested by the Ancient Greeks - to consider how each of those might be done in the time of Covid-19.

Special bonus episode for this week. Today on the podcast we talked about how to deal with the stress that a lot of us are experiencing around Covid-19. Read more about this at our website megjohnandjustin.com

This episode of the podcast was a Corona virus special where we reflected on the issues that the virus raises for consent, from the micro level of self-consent to the macro level of wider culture and societal systems and structures, and everything in between. The podcast should be useful whenever you’re listening to it though as most of our points are generally applicable to sickness and consent rather than specific to Corona.

A while back a listener asked us to do a podcast to help people who were worrying that they might be a sex addict. MJ decided to do an interview with their friend Dominic Davies - the head of Pink Therapy - who has a critical perspective, and lots of expertise, about sex addiction. In the podcast Dominic updated MJ on where the diagnostic terms relating to sex addiction were at, why he is still cautious about using the term, why it should be ‘principles’ instead of ‘act’ focused, and what people can do if they are concerned about their sexual desires or behaviours. Head to megjohnandjustin.com for the blog with all the links

Subscribe now to hear all our episodes www.patreon.com/megjohnandjustin

We're having a couple of weeks off the podcast to catch up with other stuff #gentleness. In the meantime please enjoy our first ever episode for our Patreon feed, a watch-along of Four Weddings and a Funeral. Listen to us chatting about relationship hierarchies, love, and how boring Charlie and Carrie are. If you want these Patreon specials you need to sign up at patreon.com/megjohnandjustin from just $1 per month. Thanks to everyone who has already signed up. With your help we can make more podcasts. Anyway on with the show. "They're writing songs of love, but not for ..."

Subscribe now to hear all our episodes www.patreon.com/megjohnandjustin

In this (long) episode we chatted about disagreeing with people. Firstly we talked about the differences between disagreements and challenging prejudice. Then we chatted about how to disagree with people, why disagree, when to disagree, and when it's okay to not argue with someone. Remember that every other episode is at our Patreon patreon.com/megjohnandjustin

We chatted a bit about what's been going on for us personally this year. Then we went through some of the podcasts titles we've done this year (both here and on our Patreon)to see whether we have taken our own advice or not. After that we chatted about what we'd like to do with the podcast and our plans for 2020. Here are a couple of our other New Year's Eve related podcasts https://soundcloud.com/megjohnjustin/are-you-struggling-with-new-years-resolutions https://soundcloud.com/megjohnjustin/we-watch-when-harry-met-sally And don't forget that every other podcast is for Patrons. You can subscribe to these from just $1 per month at patreon.com/megjohnandjustin Happy New Year! Meg-John and Justin xxx

This week on the podcast we spoke about our feelings after the recent UK election, and about how people might cope in the aftermath of cultural events like this which can leave us feeling very precarious indeed.

In this show we talked about how you can be accountable when a friend or other person in your life comes to you to say that they’ve been hurt in some way by your behaviour or choices. Head to our website https://megjohnandjustin.com/relationships/how-to-be-accountable for a blog post with all the links

This week on the podcast we addressed a listener’s question about how we might go about knowing whether we are on the asexuality spectrum or whether our lack of sexual attraction is due to trauma in our life which perhaps we should address. See the full blog post and further links at our website megjohnandjustin.com

Back in June we did a couple of episodes about how to make friends. We thought we’d follow up with one for our Patrons about being intentional in ongoing friendships, and one for everyone about friendship endings.

This time on the podcast Meg-John interviewed Elsie Whittington. Elsie is a researcher at Manchester Met Uni who did her PhD on consent and studies youth sexuality. For the podcast episode Elsie and MJ decided to focus on awkwardness because this was such a big theme in Elsie’s research that it ended up being a whole chapter of her thesis.

This week on Meg-John & Justin we podcasted about when to go to therapy. We covered the signs that therapy might be useful, what to expect from therapy, what it opens up and closes down, and how to engage with therapy once you get there. We’re using ‘therapy’ here to cover therapy, counselling, coaching, and these kinds of related practices where you sit with somebody - usually one-to-one - and talk about your life.

This podcast we cover what journaling is, why people might do it as a form of self-care or self-reflection, and the different ways you can go about it. https://megjohnandjustin.com/you/journaling/

We chat about how to break up the band and how to manage endings. We also chat about our favourite band break ups in history. (Sorry about the annoying buzzing noise during it. That was Justin's neighbour's buzzer.)

The last two weeks on the podcast we tackled the subject of self-love, or loving ourselves. Last week we focused on what self-love means, why we often struggle to do it, and why it’s important. This week we talk about how you can go about bringing self-love into your life. More at our website https://megjohnandjustin.com/you/self-love/ If you are missing our weekly podcasts, you need to sign up to our Patreon. Every other podcast will be for subscribers only and our tiers start at $1 http://www.patreon.com/megjohnandjustin The more of you subscribe, the more we can do with our podcasts.

The next two weeks on the podcast we tackle the subject of self-love, or loving ourselves. This week we focus on what it means, why we often struggle to do it, and why it’s important. Next week we talk about how you can go about bringing self-love into your life. For the blog head to our website megjohnandjustin.com If you are wondering why we're quieter than usual on this feed, it's because we have another podcast feed for our Patrons. To subscribe to that (based on your ability to pay) head to patreon.com/megjohnandjustin MJ&J

This is a brief preview of our Four Weddings and a Funeral watch along episode. Available now in full from our new(and affordable)Patreon patreon.com/megjohnandjustin Thanks!

Sex discrepancies or sexual incompatibility refers to having different levels of desire in a relationship: one person wanting sex more or less than the other/s. It can be about wanting different types of sex too - which is connected, but we’re focusing more on levels of desire for sex in this podcast. Head to our website for a really excellent blog on this too.

(We recorded this a few weeks ago - in a pub) This week on the podcast we unpack NRE: How it differs from a crush, what it closes down, and what it might open up - if we think about it differently. NRE refers to the kinds of excited, fizzy, loved-up, kiddy, somewhat obsessed, feelings we can have at the start of a relationship: usually a romantic and/or erotic relationship. It’s similar to the ‘honeymoon period’: the sense that the early days of a relationship might be particularly loving, romantic, passionate, and easy, compared to the rest. ‘Falling in love’ might capture something similar to NRE: the idea it is a crazy time of hot, rollercoaster emotions. Here's the excellent blog post for it https://megjohnandjustin.com/relationships/new-relationship-energy-nre/

And here's the second part of our 'How to Make Friends' podcast. In this one we try to be a bit more practical and reflect on some of the things we can do to make friends and to make it easier for others to do the same. We chat a bit about our origin story too. For more check out the blog https://megjohnandjustin.com/relationships/how-make-friends/

How to make friends: Part 1, why it’s tricky [I reuploaded this episode because the last two minutes were cut off. Sorry about that. Justin] This is a two-parter podcast and blog post about how to make friends. We realise at Meg-John & Justin we often follow a similar structure whatever we’re talking about which goes something like this: This stuff is really hard because wider culture gives us all the wrong messages about it and neoliberal capitalism likes us to individualise all our struggles and think there’s something wrong with us So finding it super tough is 100% understandable and normal and don’t give yourself a hard time Here’s how you might do this thing in a different way to normative culture which could work better Here’s some things to watch out for And by the way remember that it’s super hard and understandable that you don’t find it easy or get it ‘right’ all the time. Go gently with yourself So this podcast goes something like… Part 1 Making friends is really hard because there’s no script for it, representations of friendships make it look like it should be really easy, most of us have very little time to nurture friendships because of work (#capitalism), and we’re taught to prioritise other kinds of relationships (romantic and family) So finding making friends super tough is 100% understandable and normal and don’t give yourself a hard time Part 2 Here’s some ways we could make and develop friendships by tuning into what we’re looking for from friend relationships, and cultivating connections to intentionally and consensually develop them into friendships And by the way remember that it’s super hard and understandable that you don’t find it easy or get it ‘right’ all the time. Go gently with yourself In part 1 we reflected how young and old people are often expected to be able to be friends with everyone of the same age as them - we just put them together and expect them to get on. For adults there’s hardly any script for making and maintaining friendships. We’re meant to prioritise romantic and family relationships over friendships. There’s a sense that friendships should just happen and not require any work which is a problem because they’re not that easy for most people, and not that consensual if we just ‘do’ friendship without ever reflecting on it. There’s also ableism and neurotypical privilege involved in the expectation that everybody will find it easy to engage in social situations, automatically know how to develop friendships, etc. Where wider culture does represent friendship it is in a very idealised way. TV shows from Friends to the Big Bang Theory are based on close, tight friendship groups where people have lots of fun and joy and hang out together. Movies often depict besties and buddies who have easy, close relationships. All this presents a model of what friendships should look like which doesn’t suit everyone (some people prefer multiple one to one friendships to a group, or non-hierarchical friendships, for example), and it continues to make it look like friendship is easy when actually it’s just as complex as any other kind of relationship - with the added challenge of there not being much of script of how to do it: making friends, maintaining friendships, and ending friendships. Everything can be harder still when you have fewer friends to start with - for example if friendship is an area you find difficult, if you’ve just moved where you’re living or working, or if you’ve recently lost some friendships. When it feels like potential friendships are scarce, and/or when you feel low in confidence and scared of rejection, the whole area can become more loaded and fraught. So how can we go about making friends in this tough territory? More on that in Part 2.

We went to see the Kiss My Genders art exhibition at London's Hayward Gallery in the Southbank Centre last Friday and we had a chat about what we thought about it. We think it's an important show and well worth seeing. More details about it here https://www.southbankcentre.co.uk/whats-on/130821-kiss-my-genders-2019

Following from our ‘horny all the time’ podcast, this podcast explores what we might do if we are wanting to be more horny. Read more about this at our blog https://megjohnandjustin.com/sex/wanting-to-be-more-horny/

This time on the podcast we talked about an emotion that doesn’t get much coverage: joy. In wider culture there’s often a sense that it’s only okay to experience and express ‘positive’ emotions like happiness and joy (although we don’t spend a lot of time thinking critically about these feelings). That’s why when people ask how we are the default response is often something like ‘good’, ‘fine’ or ‘mustn’t grumble’. Visit megjohnandjustin.com for the blogpost.

This episode we responded to a listener question about PDAs. They were particularly concerned about how to navigate PDAs in a non-monogamous relationship: to what extent is it acceptable for their partner to be physically affectionate with another partner in a social situation when they are also around? Check out the website for a blog post about this too

We needed to do something fun for us, so we decided to watch one of our favourite rom coms together and record what we said. So think of this like us providing a commentary like what you get on DVDs. If you'd like to watch along with us (it's available on Netflix and Amazon Prime at the moment) we give you a countdown at the beginning. We watch it with the sound off so MJ does all of the singing. We have no idea whether you'll like this or not, so let us know! Back to our usual podcasts from next week.

This episode we addressed a question sent in by a listener about talking about sex with their friend. Specifically they wanted to know what to do when most of their conversations with their friend revolve around sex, sometimes around other people and in workplace contexts, and they would like to talk about other topics sometimes too. Full show notes at our website megjohnandjustin.com

On the podcast this time we talked about the importance of being aware of values in relationships, and how this can be challenging particularly when our values differ, or become more different over time. To read a neat blog about this, head over to http://www.megjohnandjustin.com

[Little content note: we mention rape but we don't go into any detail at all. Also it's a bit more sweary than our usual podcasts, if you or anyone near you doesn't like swearing.] We thought we'd create a thread of episodes where one of us chats with interesting people in the world of sex, relationships, sexuality, and gender. In the first of these, Justin chats with Dr Eleanor Janega, who is a kick arse medieval historian. We chat about a theory which Eleanor has been working on about the ways we see sex as an objectified commodity and where these tropes may have come from. So learn about Thomas Aquinas (little Tommy Quine Quine), logical sex, the dangers of sexual arousal, and how they all relate to Incels. We bring the chat to an end by reflecting on how us and you, dear, gentle listener, might think about our language around sex. Perhaps we too think about sex as an object to be got, rather than as an activity we may take part in (and perhaps even enjoy). Check out Eleanor's website https://goingmedievalblog.wordpress.com and see her excellent twitter game https://twitter.com/GoingMedieval

What do I do if I’m horny all the time? This time on the podcast we addressed the issue of what to do if you feel horny a lot of the time. The first thing we considered was whether it is a problem. We may get the message that there’s an acceptable level of horniness to have and that it isn’t okay to be more or less horny than that, but the reality is that there’s huge diversity between people in how horny they feel (from not at all to lots) and it also fluctuates a lot within any individual person over time. Also we may well feel bad about it because of wider cultural shame and stigma, or because people in our lives are shaming us for it, rather than because it is a problem for us. If we are comfortable with it, and if we’re acting on it only in consensual ways, then it’s okay. Whether we have a problem or not we might find it useful to understand it better. As with all things in life horniness is biopsychosocial. That means that it is at the level it is because of a complex mixture of the way our body works (bio), the things that have happened - and are happening to us (psycho), and the cultural messages around us (social). For example, if somebody feels less horny in their 50s, this could be due to a mixture of the cultural messages about libido declining over time or older people being less attractive, to the hormonal shifts in their body, and due to specific situations they’re going through (such as a relationship difficulty, or their work becoming very busy, or a worsening chronic pain condition). Many people who take HRT in the form of testosterone feel more horny than before, but this can be due to the expectation of becoming hornier, to feeling more comfortable in their body, to genital enlargement meaning that area is stimulated more, or to changes in their lives that they make which give them more outlet for horniness, as well as to the direct impact of the hormone itself. People also respond differently to different situations, such as some people becoming more horny when grieving and others becoming less so. Why might some people struggle to feel highly horny? Here are a few common reasons: Shame because of cultural messages and/or the kinds of things they’re thinking about (see our zine on Erotic Fantasies for more about this) Judgement from others Being horny that much is distracting them from being present to other things Doing something about the horniness is taking time away from others things It creates difficulties because of an imbalance in a relationship (e.g. one person much more horny than another, or relationship agreements forbidding acting on the horniness) (more about this in our other zines and in Enjoy Sex) As with sex more widely, it’s worth thinking about what needs might be being expressed by the horniness. It can be as simple as ‘I feel turned on’, but horniness can sometimes also be a manifestation of other needs/desires, for example: Needing to move the body or have some physical exertion Wanting to soothe yourself or be kind to yourself in an embodied way - perhaps because things are tough Desiring a creative outlet Needing another kind of release but not being able to allow that (e.g. crying, laughing, anger, etc.) Wanting some kind of intimacy or human contact Find the full blog post at megjohnandjustin.com

In this special episode Meg-John Barker and Alex Iantaffi answer a series of questions about all things non-binary posed by their publisher, Jessica Kingsley, to celebrate LGBT History Month in the UK and their upcoming book, Life Isn't Binary (to be published in May 2019). https://www.amazon.co.uk/Life-Isnt-Binary-Beyond-Between/dp/1785924796/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1550678081&sr=8-1&keywords=life+isn%27t+binary The full transcript of the episode can be found here http://genderstories.buzzsprout.com/156032/960367-non-binary-everything

Saying I love you (this was meant to be out a couple of weeks ago but between us we've been ill/injured. Sorry about that) In the lead up to Valentine’s day, on the podcast we discuss saying ‘I love you’ and how it can be done consensually. In wider culture it’s generally assumed that if somebody feels love they should say ‘I love you’ without thought of the potential impact, it’s regarded as a bigger deal than expressing other feelings towards somebody, there is pressure to say it by a certain point in a relationship, it’s seen as romantic to surprise somebody with these words (e.g. in an anonymous Valentine), and if one person says it the other person is expected to say it back. None of this is very consensual to ourselves or others. We might think of love more as an action than a feeling - as bell hooks suggests - and instead of focusing on naming the feeling we could consider what might demonstrate love most to a person. If they don’t reciprocate that feeling then this may be more about what we don’t do than what we do. We also need to speak in their love language - finding out what feels loving to them rather than doing what we assume they will like. If we tune into our feelings in a consensual way we might find that there are others which are as - or even more - meaningful to express than love, such as gratitude, appreciation, fondness, excitement, heat, safety. We can take the pressure off ‘I love you’ by doing it differently. We give examples of partners saying ‘I think I love you a little bit’, or saying ‘I love you’ from different parts of themselves at the different moments when those parts felt that way. Going back to the idea we often talk about where there are many different kinds of love we can take the focus off romantic partners, recognising that we can experience micro-moments of love with lots of people. Perhaps love is any moment of profound connection where the sense of a split between ourself and the other person drops away for a minute. How might we cultivate such moments in relationships? How might we celebrate all kinds of love - consensually - on Valentine’s day? Also, we're toying with the idea of having a patreon only feed for podcasts. Let us know what you think about that idea and what kind of stuff you might like. Love Meg-John & Justin xx

This time on the podcast we discussed ‘what’s love?’ and not just as an excuse to revisit eighties/nineties classic tunes. With Valentine’s approaching what do we mean by love, and why might we celebrate it (or not)? First of all we talked about love being biopsychosocial - not just about ‘chemistry’. Biological processes involved in the feeling of love are inextricably linked to the social messages that we’ve received about what it means to be in love and what it should feel like, and our psychological experiences through life which leave us with templates and scripts for how love plays out for us. Learning to love in particular ways will mean that we experience the physical feelings of love in certain ways (e.g. as exciting, or overpowering, or transcendent, or scarily out of control), and it will also set up our bodies and brains to respond in certain ways (moving towards, or away from, those feelings, for example). We explored how cultural messages encourage us to allow ourselves fall into love and go fast when it comes to falling, but we could think about love as anywhere on a spectrum from fast to slow, and from allowing to intentional. That doesn’t mean that slow, intentional love is somehow better than fast, allowing love, but that there are options here. We can think about the shape of our life when we start to have love feelings, which ones we might follow and in what ways, and what pace to go at. When we looked up ‘what is love?’ pop songs they often link love to pain and fear of getting hurt by love. We talked about how hard it is in love not to treat somebody as an object: expecting them to rescue you or validate you or give you ongoing security, for example. bell hooks’s book All About Love suggests that - in order to be love - it has to be given freely (not in demand of something back), and on the basis that both/all people involved are equally valuable. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/All_About_Love:_New_Visions As always, we question the privileging of prioritising romantic love over other kinds and wonder about what it would be like to value multiple forms of love equally this Valentine. You can buy our zine, Make Your Own Relationship User Guide https://megjohnandjustin.com/product/make-your-own-relationship-user-guide/

We had a chat about New Year's Resolutions today and recorded it. Advice for you here about how you can relate to changes and resolutions that might be a bit kinder and more useful to you. By the way, come and take part in a workshop with us at the Barbican on Thursday 17th Jan. https://www.barbican.org.uk/whats-on/2019/event/modern-couples-make-your-own-relationship-rules

Coming out at Christmas, or telling friends and family big news about us at holiday or other important times.

Hello dear listener. We had a chat with Dr Rachel O'Neil (@DrRachelONeil on twitter) about her book 'Seduction. Men, Masculinity and Mediated Intimacy' which you can buy here http://politybooks.com/bookdetail/?isbn=9781509521555 So we chatted about what the seduction industry is, why it's not seduction 'communities', what it is that this industry offers (and doesn't offer men)and why men are attracted to it. We also had a broader chat about masculinity, the idea of seduction, neoliberalism, romantic and sexual entreprenueriship. We ended with some advice for people who might be seduced into the seduction industry. Do have a listen and if you like the show please tell your friends, like us and subscribe to us. You might also want to buy some of our publications which you can see at megjohnandjustin.com/publications

Over the summer we recorded a nice chat with the lovely people at Whistledown Productions for a documentary about consent on Radio 4. Presented by Jameela Jalil the New Age of Consent was about consent, sex and relationships post #MeToo and you can hear it here https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0bh4361 (we're mostly in this second episode). The kind folk at Whistledown let us have the full audio of that interview so here it is. We think it will be a nice podcast for people who haven't heard us chatting before, particularly around consent and having more enjoyable sex. So do share it with people who you'd like to hear it.

We had a look around the Modern Couples exhibition at the Barbican https://www.barbican.org.uk/whats-on/2018/event/modern-couples-art-intimacy-and-the-avant-garde which is all about the relationship between art, avant garde and relationship models. We went round it to chat about the relationships and considered just how radical they were and what we can learn about this for ourselves. Here’s the blurb from the exhibition: “Explore modern art and modern love; Modern Couples reveals how relationships can become a playground for creativity. Featuring the biggest names in Modern Art, Modern Couples explores creative relationships, across painting, sculpture, photography, design and literature. Meet the artist couples that forged new ways of making art and of living and loving. The exhibition illuminates these creative and personal relationships, from the obsessional and fleeting to the life-long.” It’s £16 and it’s on till 27th January 2019 and if you’re interested in relationship diversity and/or avant garde art, this is for you. We did this because we are also running a workshop on 6th December 2018 at the Barbican. Buy tickets here https://www.barbican.org.uk/whats-on/2018/event/modern-couples-make-your-own-relationship-rules 'Modern Couples: Make Your Own Relationship Rules' Modern Couples demonstrated how artists at the beginning of the 20th century were taking the radical approach to their work and applying (at least some of) this radicalism to their personal relationships. Justin Hancock and Meg-John Barker are here to help you explore the different kinds of relationship models seen in the show and how we might navigate them today. From monogamy, to ethical non-monogamy, to relationship anarchy, and our relationship with ourselves, this friendly and practical workshop will give you helpful tools to help you with whatever kind of relationship style might work for you. The workshop is open to anyone, regardless of previous knowledge and experience. We hope it will be lively, interactive, fun and thought-provoking.

This time we explored the theme of relationship diversity, that is the range of different styles of relationships that exist. People often think about diversity when it comes to sexuality - and increasingly gender - but assume there’s only one or two ways of doing diversity. We could see relationship diversity on a number of different dimensions. For example, there’s diversity in terms of where we’re at on a spectrum from monogamy to non-monogamy, and there’s diversity in terms of whether we prioritise certain kinds of relationships over others (like romantic ones) or whether we see diverse kinds of relationships as equally important in our lives. It’s also important to remember that there’s just as much diversity under the umbrella of monogamy as there is under non-monogamy. For example, under monogamy comes serial and lifelong monogamy, monogamish relationships. Under non-monogamy come open relationships, polyamory of various forms, and secret infidelities. We might put dating, hook-ups, and friends-with-benefit arrangements somewhere between monogamy and non-monogamy. All forms of relationship diversity are equally legitimate - like all forms of sexual and gender diversity - if they are done consensually. When we’re discussing our relationship styles it’s really important not to try to claim that ours is morally superior on the basis that it is more normative, for example, or more ‘right on’. Different things work for different people, and so long is it is consensual - and not being imposed on others - any style is legit. If you’re in different places to another person around your relationship diversity a good starting point is mutual respect and the assumption that both your ways are equally legitimate. Then you can work to find a way forward together. What are the possibilities that meet both people’s needs? To explore this more check out our zine, make your own relationship user guide. You could also check out some of our other podcasts and blogs about this.  Hierarchies - here's one about the different kinds of hierarchies that we might encounter in relationships Changing relationship agreements - how to go about making changes from one relationships style to another What is Romance? (btw the place with the beer and cheese Justin talked about is in Leeds, called Friends of Ham) Love Stories and Rom-Coms

This week we answer a question from a listener. "My sex therapist is talking about solo sex as part of our work - but I only want to do things with my partner." Here our response and whether we should be having solo sex. You can see our summary blog about this at our website https://megjohnandjustin.com/sex/sex-therapist-talking-solo-sex-i-want-partnered-sex/

More about this episode at our blog https://megjohnandjustin.com/writing-our-own-scripts

This week on the podcast we discussed whether self-care was a relationship responsibility and - if so - how we go about doing it. We started with the fact that self-care is very challenging in our current world. It’s either put forward as quite a banal form of pampering which doesn’t require any self-reflection, or it’s put forward as ‘self-improvement’ which suggests that you need to perfect yourself and give yourself a hard time unless you’re doing all the different forms of self-care on top of everything else. We think of self-care more as Audre Lorde spoke of it - as a political act that’s essential, both for surviving these tough times, and for ensuring that we’re part of the solution not part of the problem. In relation to our close intimate relationships, practising self-care is often seen as selfish. Like it would be better to give all of ourselves to our close people and not need to look after ourselves. We talk about how this approach can lead to burn-out, resentment, and having nothing left to offer. Not self-caring is a bit like keeping going when you have a cold - you risk staying ill for longer and passing on the cold to others. We also talked about the phrase ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’ (or is it jug?) Self-care can help us to be more aware of our relationship patterns and to address them, rather than sliding back into them in ways that can hurt you and other people. However, we can use the ideal of self-care in relationships in more negative ways. For example, we may use it to avoid dealing with issues with other people - just withdrawing into ourselves to cope with difficult things that crop up. When the issue is a relational one it’s important to deal with it with the other person rather than avoiding that in order to avoid being around their difficult feelings or our own vulnerability. You can read more about how to do self-care on Justin’s website, and in Meg-John’s zine on the topic, and their recent blog post about identifying relationship patterns.

Content note. We chat about different kinds of pain and also talk a little bit about injury and trauma. This podcast is all about pain and sex, with a focus on how to ensure that sex isn’t painful in ways that you don’t want it to be. We’ll do a future episode about how to bring pain or strong sensations into sex if that is something you want to do.

Here we chat about how we might go about enjoying penis in vagina sex more. Which is a bit of a radical departure for us, so we hope you find it useful. Listen to this in tandem with the Enjoy Non-Genital Sex https://soundcloud.com/megjohnjustin/enjoy-non-genital-sex and you'll be on to a winner. Also our Being Present For Sex video which we mention is here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oYaDYX8LCo

Trans and the GRA This week we spent the podcast talking about trans and the Gender Recognition Act (GRA) given that this is in the news so much at the moment. More details (and links) at https://www.megjohnandjustin.com

This week on the podcast we tackled the issue of jealousy in answer to the following question… Is jealousy healthy in a relationship? Or else, is the absence of jealousy unhealthy or even possible? If it is, how do we get there? If it's not, what do we do to manage it? And how do we know whether it comes more from us or the behaviour of other person? Head over to megjohnandjustin.com to read our blog to accompany this episode. MJ&J x

Cosmopolitan x Instagram created #AskMeThisNotThis campaign, which was created in collaboration with influential LGBTQ+ figures and explores the outdated and often offensive questions they’re sick of being asked. We were asked to record one of our podcasts at their final event. We thought it might be a nice thing to do for Pride Month so we did (we didn’t get paid, though we did have a couple of very tasty bento boxes). On the panel were Sade Giliberti - Gilberti is a South African TV presenter and works to raise awareness of LGBTQ issues: https://www.instagram.com/onesadie/ Hannah Winterbourne - In 2013, Hannah came out as a transgender woman and became the highest ranking transgender soldier within the British Army. As part of the Army LGBT Forum, she became the Army's Transgender Representative where she has responsibility to advise Senior Army commanders on transgender policy: https://www.instagram.com/hannahw253/ Jessica Kellgren Fozard - Jessica Kellgren-Fozard is a disabled, gay YouTuber who writes about life with wife Claudia: https://www.instagram.com/jessicaoutofthecloset/ We had a nice chat about labels, assumptions, identity, and social media. Hopefully there’ll be a transcript of the discussion coming soon, which you’ll be able to find at megjohnandjustin.com

Here we chat with Alex Iantaffi our mate, who now hosts the wonderful podcast Gender Stories. You can search for this through the usual podcast platforms. He can also be found at http://genderstories.buzzsprout.com/ and on the twitters https://twitter.com/GenderStories and also on the instagrams as GenderStories. It's a long one, but we didn't want to break it up because of plugging references (you'll hear).

In the podcast this week we talked around a topic that a listener had emailed in about: the wisdom of getting back together with somebody you’ve broken up with. They rightly pointed out that a lot of relationship advice says this is never a good idea, but that there are plenty of circumstances where it could work pretty well, for example if your needs and desires have become more compatible or if you’ve done some work on yourself in the meantime to bring you to a different place.

Staying with feelings in relationships In the last podcast we ended with a point about how it’s always okay for people to have the feelings they have, and that it’s important to cultivate the ability to stay with other people’s feelings: whether that be our friends, partners, or other people in our lives. Staying with feelings is an idea MJ has written a lot about including this zine which goes through the reasons why it is important to learn to stay with our own feelings, and how we might go about it. Juz has also written about the important of staying with feelings when supporting people in our lives. Generally if we can stay with feelings - or ourselves or another person - those feelings can be experienced and expressed and move through us. If we can’t stay with feelings then we often layer more feelings on top of the existing feelings as we try to eradicate or repress them, e.g. guilt about feeling sad, then worry about feeling guilty, then frustration about how anxious we feel. Trying to deny or get away from tough feelings often leads to way more tough feelings. The basic idea to come back to is that all feelings are sensible and rational. It’s vital to let them be experienced. On the podcast we suggested that, perhaps, level 1 staying with feelings is staying with our own strong or difficult feelings, level 2 is staying with those feelings of somebody else when they’re upset about something unrelated to us, and level 3 is staying with the feelings of somebody else when they’re upset about something we’ve done ourselves. So imagining a scenarios where a friend or partner has strong feelings: what do we do? Why is it hard to stay with their tough feelings? If their strong feelings are about us we can feel responsible for them and not want the strong feelings that invokes in us (e.g. guilt/shame) We may feel enmeshed or entwined with that person and want them to feel the same way we would in that situation, or struggle with the fact their feelings reveal that their values aren’t the same as ours We’re generally not comfortable around ‘negative feelings’ in our culture and want to fix or eradicate them so that everyone is feeling - or at least pretending to feel - happy How can we stay with their tough feelings? Park the issue (if there is one between us) and focus on the feeling. Let them fully express it without trying to allocate blame onto us or to them Be on their side and really listen to what they have to say. Don’t think about how we might feel in that situation, but recognise that this is how they feel (with their life experiences and world view) Know when we have this to offer and when we don’t. For example, if we’re triggered too or too tired. Don’t try to do it then but make time when do have it to offer.

Changing relationship agreements over time We were inspired to do this podcast by a Dan Savage podcast where Dan suggested that a non-monogamous person starting a relationship with a monogamous person could always try a monogamous agreement for a while and then shift to a non-monogamous one. We liked the ideas of seeing monogamy to non-monogamy as a spectrum that people could move around on over time. This is very much how we see it ourselves - check out our zine for more on this. The rules or agreements that we make in our relationships can and should be constantly shifting, not something we lock into place forever. This is because both individuals and relationships change over time in all kinds of ways. More on this in MJ’s book Rewriting the Rules. In the podcast we unpack two key ideas in relation to this: It’s okay for rules to change over time We should let others know if the rules are likely to change 1. It’s okay for rules to change For example there are many reasons that we might decide that we have no capacity for further erotic and/or emotionally deep relationships right now. We might feel that all our capacity is taken up with one or more relationships that we already have. This might happen when we’re in new relationship energy, or when we have maxed out on the number of close relationships we can handle, for example. Or it might be that we have an illness, someone to care for, a big work project, or a trauma to deal with. During that time we might decide to be single, monogamous, polyfidelitous, or to only have casual encounters, in order to navigate that period. But it might well be that we want to open up more, or change the rules, once that period is over. 2. We should let others know if the rules are likely to change Sometimes we have a pretty good idea that the rules or agreements we currently have in a relationship are likely to have to change at some point in the future. For example, we might be planning to have a kid or to move to another country, or we might be a monogamous person who is having friends-with-benefits relationships but only until we meet ‘someone’. It can be very painful to others in our lives if we don’t let them know that these things are on the cards, particularly if the change will mean a significant shift - or even ending - in our relationship. If you know that a change is likely to happen it’s good to be clear on that. The final major point we discussed on the podcast is that it’s important to allow people to have the feelings they have around such changes. We often avoid telling people changes are coming, or avoid making changes that we need to make, because we feel hurting or angering people. Actually the trick is to get to a point where we do listen to our needs and make changes, and we communicate compassionately about that, because we can handle other people having their feelings: even if this thing we’re doing is resulting in sadness, grief, fear, or anger for them. It’s okay for you to change the rules, and it’s also okay for the other person to feel how they feel. More on this in the next podcast on staying with other people’s feelings.

We tried to think of a really easy question for us to answer like 'what do I do if I need to fart whilst getting a blowjob?' But this being us, we unpacked this to talk about how we might navigate our use of the toilet when it comes to sex and relationships

This podcast covers the different ways to go about getting laid - having unpacked what that means, and how it might mean different things for different people of course.

Here's a bonus podcast with our hot take on Queer Eye (which is a show on Netflix that's right up in our wheel house - although Justin has no idea what a wheel house is, a house made of wheels?). What does it open up and what does it close down? This is one of those 'chatty chatty chats' rather than a 'trying to answer a question chat.' We'll be back with another more regular podcast next week.

Content warning: In this post - and podcast - we discuss deliberately non-consensual behaviour. We don’t give any detailed descriptions, but we do touch on things like rape culture, the low conviction rate for sexual assault, and how people often make excuses for other peoples’ non-consensual behaviour. If these things feel live for you at the moment do please think about how to engage with this in a way that is kind and gentle with yourself - if you want to engage at all.

Hear our panel discussion with Girl On The Net about how to give sex advice (full title, how to give *responsible* sex advice). Read the blog here http://megjohnandjustin.com/sex/give-sex-advice/

We discuss how we might feel better about our bodies. So we touch on the social messages we get about bodies and this includes us talking about fatphobia, diets, 'health', disablism, but we don't go into much detail. It's a long one -- sorry about that.

In this podcast we decided to unpack romance… and kind of put it back together in a different form. By the end of the podcast we realised we’d followed a similar line to the line we follow with sex in our book Enjoy Sex (How, When and IF You Want To).

This week we answered a question about trauma and hookups on the podcast. A content note up front is that this episode does cover issues of sexual abuse/assault and trauma responses/PTSD. So if those things are live for you right now you might want to think about whether you want to listen or not. FYI we don’t go into any description of abuse or assault, we do have a bit more detail about possible trauma responses (fight, flight, and freeze) and what those can look like.

In this episode we explore how to go about having a hookup consensually, given that this has been in the headlines recently with the story about Aziz Ansari.

For this one we decided to take a leaf out awesome sex & relationships podcaster Dan Savage’s book and answer a few questions from listeners together on one show. Content warning: this episode begins with us singing our version of the Savage Lovecast theme song in an *ahem* beautiful homage to Dan Savage!

The podcast this time is all about how to make the festive season as consensual and self-caring as possible. http://megjohnandjustin.com/you/the-christmas-special

In this podcast we discuss the short story ‘Cat Person’ by Kristen Roupenian which appeared in The New Yorker last week and has been shared all over social media, partly due to its resonances with the recent #metoo campaign. We’d recommend reading the story - or listening to the audio - before listening to the podcast. But we’d also like to give content notes (for both the story and for our discussion) that there are themes of non-consensual sex, fear of sexual violence, gender shaming and stereotypes, fatphobia, and whorephobia. https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/12/11/cat-person http://megjohnandjustin.com/cat-person

A quick companion piece to the latest podcast 'Sex Under The Weather' where we answer a listener's question about sex after injury.

This week on the podcast we focused on how to navigate sex when you’re feeling physically or emotionally under the weather or low, as many people do over the Winter period.

In this episode we chat about our work together in the light of really disappointing sales of our book. We reflect on our discussions we've been having lately about whether we should continue working together.

Post #MeToo we chatted some more about consent. Rather than making someone do something that we want them to do, what if our aim was consent? #consent #MJandJ

Recorded before #MeToo started trending again, we talk about power and consent in light of the recent Harvey Weinstein allegations. We don't talk about specifics but generally about power and consent and how this stuff is actually relevant to pretty much all relationships.

In this week’s podcast we answer the following question: "I'm an older queer guy who's just started dating a really lovely trans man. Apart from talking to him, which we are doing, where can I get helpful advice and insight into my own "stuff"? I came out late in life - and I am not really used to a lot of the gay scene - which is probably an advantage! Any advice or comments gratefully received :)"

Today we’re talking about having crushes on people when you can’t do anything about it. For example: if you work together; or they (or you) are in a monogamous relationship; or where there is a power dynamic for either of you which would make it impossible for it to be consensual; or if one of you is a dead hologram on a TV series and you are a school kid.

Content note: There’s brief mention of biphobic stereotypes, domestic abuse, and sexual assault in this post and podcast. For Bi visibility week we talk about some of the issues that may come up for Bi folk in sex/relationships. The last 7 minutes are a total shambles but made us laugh.

It's Sexual Health Week this week and the focus here in the UK is on porn and how we can teach young people about it. Listen to us chat about whether porn is actually the sexual health issue that people often say it is and what the alternatives are.

We have a lovely chat with Alex Iantaffi about gender and about Alex and MJ's new book 'How to Understand Your Gender' which is really brilliant. http://www.jkp.com/uk/how-to-understand-your-gender-2.html

This week we have a question "If people do decide that that they want to learn to be "better" at sex... How would you advise a woman who has enjoyable sex with her(female) partners but would better like to learn how to have more reliable/reproducible orgasms. Solo and with a partner."

So we don't describe ourselves as 'sex positive'. This might sounds pretty strange to you cos we've written a book called ‘Enjoy Sex’ which sounds pretty positive right? And surely we’re not negative about sex, which is the alternative to being positive? In this podcast and blog post we thought we’d explain what we understand by sex positivity - and sex negativity - and why we prefer something beyond either of these options, called being sex critical.

We chat about hierarchies of different kinds of relationships and why they might be bad for other relationships but also can be bad for that one at the top. You can read a blog/transcript of what we talked about here. http://www.megjohnandjustin.com/relationships/hierarchies-meg-john-justin-podcast

Our guide to NO. Our latest offering in taking a very simple sounding thing and unpacking it to give you properly useful advice (rather than 'just say no' or 'no means no')

In this episode we chat about how you might explore different kinds of sex that don't involve your genitals. Not only is this good for people who are not into genital sex but it will also be great for people who are. Longer one than usual. Sorry (not sorry).

A recording of a panel discussion involving us and artist Aleksandra Karpowicz at St Barnabas House in London's Soho. We talked about her amazing project 'Let's Talk About Sex'. You can see the images here http://www.akarpowicz.co.uk/?portfolios=lets-talk-about-sex (nude images) and will probably get more out of the podcast if you check them out. Justin and Meg-John also talk about fantasies, roles, sex advice, sex education and stuff.

How to deal with a discrepancy in desire in a long-term relationship? We have tons of advice in this podcast for you. If you like this, you'll LOVE our book Enjoy Sex (How, When and IF You Want To). megjohnandjustin.com/publications

Where we talk about Master of None series 2 and give some relationship advice to Dev. Dude needs to read about relationship anarchy and to buy our 'Make Your Own Relationship User Manual' zine.

Where we give advice about triggering, what it is and how to deal with it. Content note: we discuss different meanings of 'being triggered' and how to approach being triggered. We don't describe details of any experience, but there are brief mentions of potential triggers including sexual assault, racism, non-consensual behaviour, and war.

We were thrilled excited, exhilarated, but not orgasmic to have Girl On The Net join us for a pint and a chat! YAY! She told us about her exciting audio porn project and we chatted about erotic fantasies and porn and stuff.

Here we introduce our new zine 'Understanding Ourselves Through Erotic Fantasy' available now http://megjohnandjustin.com/product/understanding-erotic-fantasies-zine/ Sorry if this is a bit noisy, but we were in a cafe. We like to get out sometimes.

Here we chat about our Make Your Own Sex Manual zine and how it might help you to negotiate and communicate more about what kind of sexual relationships you want. You can buy it here for £2.50 http://megjohnandjustin.com/product/make-your-own-sex-manual/

Where we talk about love (Justin gets asked a lot about love) and rom coms. We try to use popular culture to unpack the messages we receive about love and relationships. If you like this idea you might like to get hold of our zine about making your own relationship user guide http://megjohnandjustin.com/product/make-your-own-relationship-user-guide/ just £2.50!

Where we give advice for if you think you are masturbating too much (obviously we unpack that and examine the cultural messages we receive about wanking, debunk sex addiction and give advice about how you should pay attention to your wanks).

Here we talk about what we mean by 'top and bottom' in sex and relationships. Is it necessary, who does what and how to do it consensually.

How okay is it to ask a partner to modify their body? We tackle this super hard question in this week's episode and also have a quick chat about what we've been up to lately.

"People always say that communication is the key to good sex, but how do you get started?" Our first actual question! YAY! Hear our advice about how to communicate and how to communicate about communicating. #meta

We recorded our talky talk bit at the launch of #EnjoySex at Queen's Park Books last month. We talk about the process #meta, how we got working together #consent, sex education, the tea video (UGH)and other stuff. Sound quality isn't the best but hope you like it!

Here we talk about 'Enjoy Sex' being out and how we feel about that. We also talk about our zines but also about trance, intimacy and roles during sex. Oh and Ikea.

Here we talk about how to navigate sex and relationships with a small penis. Lots of (hopefully) helpful advice and support about the cultural pressure to have a particular kind of body, a particular kind of sex and practical advice on how to deal with it.

Here Meg-John and Justin introduce the podcast, talk about what they want to do with it and interview each other!