Sunday School Dropouts

It’s the season 3 finale! Niko and Lauren discuss a variety of underworlds, Dante’s Inferno, The Good Place, and why everything you thought you knew about heaven and hell is wrong. Plus: medieval hellmouths, and ancient Coltons Burpo! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren, Niko, and special guest Sarah Michael (Niko's mom) discuss the Maccabees, dreidel disasters, all nine candles including the shamash, and everything else in the story of Hanukkah. Plus: growing up Jewish in 1960s Flint, Michigan, and Niko doesn't like sour cream on his latkes please! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss the Zealots, the Sicarii, Flavius Josephus and the destruction of the second temple, and everything else in the story of the siege of Masada. Plus: 20th century Israeli poetry, and Niko wants a taste of those ancient dates! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss the siege of Jotapata, the destruction of the second temple at Jerusalem, Essene internships, and everything else in The Life of Flavius Josephus. Plus: John and Jesus! But not that John and Jesus! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss Bedouin goatherds, John the Baptist, a mysterious sect of Judaism called the Essenes, and everything else about the Dead Sea Scrolls. Plus: life in an ancient commune, and why archaeologists shouldn’t use Scotch tape. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss the phoenix, the angel Phamael, a heavenly ascent, and everything else in the apocryphal book of 3 Baruch. Plus: the thickness of doors is discussed, and what's the poop situation? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss the leviathan, behemoth, ziz, and other mythological beasts of the Bible. Plus: pagan sports, and r u being served at the messianic banquet? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss gopher wood, Mesopotamian flood myths, the curse of Ham, and everything else about Noah and his ark. Plus: a giant named Og hitches a ride, and oh yeah, this is our 100th episode! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss Terah's idols, Jahoel, Abraham's revelation, a possible Jesus sighting, and everything else in the apocryphal Apocalypse of Abraham. Plus: Bogomil and friends! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey! Lauren coedited an anthology called Empty the Pews: Stories of Leaving the Church! You can read an excerpt and get a preorder discount at bit.ly/EmptyThePews. To celebrate we’re rerunning our episode with her coeditor, Dr. Chris Stroop. Original show notes: Lauren and Niko welcome Dr. Chris Stroop to the show to talk about growing up Christian in Indiana, a twenty-year crisis of faith, battling demons Hulk-style, and everything else in the book of Philippians. Plus: rejoice in the Lord always, and again, I say, rejoice! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss the archangels Michael, Gabriel, Raphael; the humans-turned-angels Metatron and Sandalphon; and a bunch of other angels who were important enough to get names. Plus: angels are weird, and angels are Ninja Turtles. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss cherubim, seraphim, grotesque eye monsters, and everything else about angels. Plus: Whose angel rankings are authoritative: Maimonides, Dionysisus, or Niko? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Comedian/playwright Rebecca Bulnes (@almondmilkhotel) joins Lauren and Niko to discuss Kabbalah, the sacred feminine, the bride of God, and everything else about the Shekhinah. Plus: Maya Angelou, and Niko gets locked out of the Etymology Corner! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss miracle inflation, marriage between cousins, X-shaped crosses, and everything else in the apocryphal Acts of Andrew. Plus: a rat king of demons, and we question Gregory of Tours’ editorial instincts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Writer Nate Waggoner (@nathanielwagg) joins Lauren and Niko to talk about Gilgamesh, the White Stag, the Huns vs. the Magyars, and everything else tangentially related to the story of Nimrod. Plus: Looney Tunes theology, and a classic Sunday School Dropouts Tower Check™️! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Comedian and writer Ryan Houlihan (@ryanhoulihan) joins Lauren and Niko to talk about killing babies, magic amulets, seducing rabbis, and everything else about Adam's first wife Lilith! Plus: Talkin' 'bout Britney! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss the antichrist, hologram Jesus, whether the skateboarding scorpion crab is a fool, and everything else we can wring from the book of 2 John. Plus: Bree Mae joins us to talk about homeschooling and Bible quizzing! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In the inaugural episode of season 3, Niko and Lauren discuss the serpent, Adam and Eve, John Milton's Paradise Lost, and everything else about the fall of Satan. Plus: the return of everyone's favorite sexy angels! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Join Lauren and Niko for the thrilling conclusion of our playthrough of the Bible-based role-playing game Testament. Our guests for this miniseason are Maggie Tokuda-Hall (@emteehall) and Greg (@leducviolet).  WILL the adventurers finally root out heresy in Jericho? WILL Neva finally find love? WILL there be a shocking reveal that was not foreshadowed at all? The only way to find out is to listen! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko continue playing  the Bible-based role-playing game Testament along with their guests Greg (@leducviolet) and Maggie Tokuda-Hall (@emteehall). Tune in this week as our heroes continue their investigation into the bizarre heresies of Jericho. Plus: Greg's rival is revealed, and more hyena facts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Join Lauren, Niko, Greg (@leducviolet), and Maggie (@emteehall) as miniseason 2.5 continues with another session of the Bible-based RPG Testament. This week we’ve got Hittite leprechauns, mouse sexts, and blasphemous comedy within blasphemous comedy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko are back in the premiere of our brief miniseason 2.5! Join us and our guests Greg (@leducviolet) and Maggie Tokuda-Hall (@emteehall) as we begin a game of Testament, the Biblically based tabletop roleplaying game. Come for the Bible jokes, stay for the high-intensity dice-rolling! Plus: Hyena facts abound, and Accents, Accents, Accents! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In a fat, juicy, 90-minute season finale, Niko and Lauren discuss Patmos, Armageddon, the true meaning of the word “apocalypse,” the number of the beast, seven lampstands/seals/trumpets/bowls of wrath, and everything else in the Book of Revelation. Plus: a deep dive into different configurations of eyeballs, and we finally (sort of) rate the Good Book! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss plagiarism in the Bible, Balaam's error, the Book of Enoch, the Assumption of Moses, and everything else in the Epistle of Jude. Plus: Lauren gets her wish, and the entire show is now Fast Facts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss Dante’s Inferno, milk lakes, celeb cameos, and everything else in the apocryphal Apocalypse of Paul. Plus: Paul asks too many questions, and we’ll be gnawing our tongues in hell! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss Long Island strip malls, the realm of Barbelo, a new and exciting Demiurge, and everything else in the apocryphal Gospel of Judas. Plus: bewildered disciples, and Gnosticism is simply weird. Further reading: The Lost Gospel of Judas Iscariot by Bart Ehrman. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sulagna Misra (@sulagnamisra) joins Lauren and Niko to discuss the shortest book in the entire Bible, which doesn’t even mention Jesus: 3 John. Plus: Hindu comic books, and everyone knows how Ganesh got his elephant head. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Exvangelical’s Blake Chastain joins Niko and Lauren to talk about testimony, sin, and light, which are the only three words in the book of 1 John. Plus: God is love, and Niko’s tight five on ghosts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss The Da Vinci Code, common misconceptions about Mary Magdalene, the apostle to the apostles, and everything else in the apocryphal Gospel of Mary. Plus: the Cathar Crusade, and Jesus's Borat impression! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss Old Testament punishment, science in the Bible, those bad bad angels, and everything else in the book of 2 Peter. Plus: a bunch of really cool Sunday School Dropout stories from listeners! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss suffering in the body, the Harrowing of Hell, more justification of slavery, and everything else in the book of 1 Peter. Plus: two exciting visits, one from the fuck angels, and one from the inventor of cat curses! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss taming the tongue, wisdom literature in the New Testament, straight-up socialism, and everything else in the book of James. Plus: @leducviolet’s dad Jim, a longtime Catholic school educator, teaches us about liberation theology and the Biblical case for social justice. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss bedbugs, snake venom, gnostic weirdness, and everything else in the second half of the Acts of John. Plus: please don’t do necrophilia, and also please don’t watch someone else do necrophilia. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss painting peeping portraits, doing magic in the nude, terrible murder sons, and everything else in the first half of the apocryphal Acts of John. Plus: unruly members, and Lauren’s definition of love is too broad! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss high priests, the mystery of Melchizedek, an alternate take on Jacob and Esau, and everything else in the Epistle to the Hebrews. Plus: this book was definitely written by a woman, and maybe we actually like it! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss digital monsters, Biblical views of slavery, Paul using his passive-aggressiveness for good, and everything else in the Epistle to Philemon. Plus: enough alternate Bible translations to choke the Behemoth, and a very special crab (who is a scorpion). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss a bizarre, alternate Easter story, the humanity and divinity of the apocryphal Jesus, a Dante-esque tour of the early Christian afterlife, and everything else in the apocryphal Gospel and Apocalypse of Peter. Plus: Niko does some fast facts, and Lauren learns a lesson! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ryan Honaker joins us to talk about the Book of Mormon, greenies and comps proselytizing in Poland, Jesus’s vacation to the Americas, and everything else about growing up Mormon. Also: the book of Titus is in there somewhere. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss the widow test, morality in the end times, and everything else in the books of 1 and 2 Timothy. Plus: a cider problem and Who’s Your Bible Dad? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss old-school communion, Christian conmen, rules for Jewish Christians, and everything else in the apocryphal Didache. Plus: filthy talking, and Niko’s hunt for mummy honey continues? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss talking dogs, a magician battle, the upside-down cross, and everything else in the apocryphal Acts of Peter. Plus: Niko wants mummy honey, and cat curses go where they’ve never gone before! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

There's no new episode this week, but we're delighted to rerun a favorite of ours from the beginning of the second season! Original show notes: Niko and Lauren feed the text of the Bible to an artificial-intelligence program and have it create its own Bible passage. With the help of Rose Eveleth (@roseveleth), Greg (@leducviolet), Mallory Ortberg, Ezekiel Kweku (@theshrillest), and J. W. Friedman, they discuss being a donkey as the mountain shall do to the sky, making gold of the purple, and all the other weird stuff the robo-Bible came up with. You can read the passage at sundayschooldropouts.lol/robobible and send us your interpretations at contact@sundayschooldropouts.lol. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss the lawless one, welfare in the Bible, and everything else in the book of 2 Thessalonians. Plus: Dr. Jason Staples (@jasonstaples) joins us to talk about Paul’s eschatology and why Paul is so obsessed with Gentiles. (Hint: it’s not circumcision!) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss sending Timothy all over the world, footnotes about Satan, and everything else in Paul’s First Epistle to the Thessalonians. Plus: Tasbeeh Herwees joins us to talk about how Jesus is portrayed in Islam and how Jesus bumper stickers are not unique to Christians. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss the Colossian heresy, possible gnosticism, a spooky mummy, and everything else in the book of Colossians. Plus: Writer and astrologer Luke Dani Blue joins us to read Jesus’s horoscope. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss the Hymn of the Pearl, twin pranks, weird baptism rituals, and everything else in the second half of the apocryphal Acts of Thomas. Plus: the best character gets screwed over, and more gnosticism! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss Jesus’ twin brother Thomas, celibate marriage, a spiritual palace scam, another exploding dragon, and everything else in the first half of the apocryphal Acts of Thomas. Plus: Hell is weird, but Heaven’s even weirder, and you can all log off! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss Gnosticism, the Demiurge, the Pleroma, and all the rest of the secret mystical knowledge in the apocryphal Gospel of Thomas. Plus: How to Be a Spiritual Robot, and more anti-body propaganda. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko welcome Dr. Chris Stroop to the show to talk about growing up Christian in Indiana, a twenty-year crisis of faith, battling demons Hulk-style, and everything else in the book of Philippians. Plus: rejoice in the Lord always, and again, I say, rejoice! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss apostolic succession, deposed presbyters, what a sermon really is, and everything else in the apocryphal books of 1 and 2 Clement. Plus: it’s literally impossible to follow Jesus, and listener mail! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss holy armor, salty babies, “mutual submission,” and everything else in the epistle to the Ephesians. Plus: a new segment called Pop Theology, and a quiz about famous Pauls. The music in this episode is the album Moon and Sun by Ellisa Sun, which Niko plays bass on! More details here: http://www.ellisasun.com/music Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss sexual sublimation, milk necks, wild beasts, and everything else in the apocryphal Acts of Paul and Thecla, which the church doesn’t want you to read! Plus: women be baptizing, and seals! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss barely literate scribes, psychosexual nightmares, WWPD, and everything else in Paul’s Epistle to the Galatians. Plus: Wow. What a surprise. Circumcision. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss Jesus’s first murder, whether Jesus can really read, The Twilight Zone, and everything else in the apocryphal Infancy Gospel of Thomas. Plus: our secret heist, and Joseph’s not my real dad! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss the Virgin Mary’s childhood, strong babies, an alternate version of the Christmas story, and everything else in the apocryphal Infancy Gospel of James. Plus: Joseph goes on a vision quest, and the awkwardest donkey ride in history. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss the severe letter, super-apostles, Paul being a jerk, and everything else in the book of 2 Corinthians. Plus: alternative atonement theories, and how to blame scheduling problems on Jesus in three easy steps. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In this episode, Lauren and Niko discuss Paul’s views on re-used meat, gross misogyny, sexual immorality, and everything else in Paul’s First Epistle to the Corinthians. Plus: that Bible verse that people always read at weddings, and Ed Sheeran sucks. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss substitutionary atonement, vegetarianism, kinkshaming, and everything else in Paul’s epistle to the Romans. Plus: Big Bible Boy vs. Politic Man, and our harshest cat curse yet! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko welcome Patricia Lockwood (@tricialockwood), poet and author of the new memoir Priestdaddy, to the show to discuss Pentecost, Paul on the road to Damascus, the original intactivist, and everything else in the book of Acts. Plus: Katherine Hepburn’s ghost, and is Air Bud a Christ figure? (Yes.) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss not throwing the first stone, washing the disciples' feet, how to get to heaven, and everything else in the gospel according to  John. Plus: the lost pop hit "Samaritan Woman," and this gospel sucks. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In a fat, juicy, hour-and-a-half-long episode, Lauren and Niko discuss the revised Christmas story, the parable of the sower, the parable of the prodigal son, and a bunch more of Jesus’s teachings in the gospel according to Luke. Plus: The Toast’s Nicole Cliffe tells us what it’s like to become a Christian as an adult. And all Niko’s original music for the show is now available at https://soundcloud.com/nikobakulich Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss walking on water, fishes and loaves, Jesus’s crucifixion, Jesus’s resurrection, and everything else in the gospel according to Mark. Plus: sleep deprivation is real, and Jesus’s weirdest miracle! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss the birth of Jesus, between three and twenty magi, getting dunked on in the Jordan River, the crucifixion, and everything else in the book of Matthew. Plus: improbably named disciples, and John the Baptist’s head on a platter! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren feed the text of the Bible to an artificial-intelligence program and have it create its own Bible passage. With the help of Rose Eveleth (@roseveleth), Greg (@leducviolet), Mallory Ortberg, Ezekiel Kweku (@theshrillest), and J. W. Friedman, they discuss being a donkey as the mountain shall do to the sky, making gold of the purple, and all the other weird stuff the robo-Bible came up with. You can read the passage at sundayschooldropouts.lol/robobible and send us your interpretations at contact@sundayschooldropouts.lol. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Things get a little intense as Niko and Lauren discuss seven beautiful sons, more drunken elephants, the Holocaust, and everything else in the apocryphal books of 3 and 4 Maccabees. Plus: more gore than a Tarantino movie, and no politics whatsoever!!!!(!!!) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss the Maccabean revolt, battle elephants, Braveheart speeches, and everything else in the books of 1 and 2 Maccabees. Plus: king babysitters, and the best way to drink wine. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss offal, messengers, shoehorning Elijah, and everything else in the book of Malachi. Plus: we count down the top 12 minor prophets, and cow curses! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Summary: Lauren and Niko discuss myrtle trees, flying scrolls, the original Jesus, and everything else in the book of Zechariah. Plus: Robert Kashow, an actual Biblical scholar, explains some stuff to us! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss what happened when the Jews returned to Jerusalem, a new reason for God’s wrath, the original Jesus, and everything else in the book of Haggai. Plus: the difference between monkeys and apes, and some unconventional pets to curse/bless. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss Adam, Eve, Noah, Abraham, Jacob, Joseph, and Moses like you’ve never seen them before…...sort of. It’s the book of Jubilees, a different version of the book of Genesis with a lot more angels and a little more love. Plus: a spiny boy, and Lauren freaks out in an entirely different way! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We're off this week for New Year's, but here's a classic episode from the archives. We'll be back next week!   Original summary: Niko and Lauren welcome Mallory Ortberg to the show to discuss meaninglessness, vanity, bad breakups, and all the pop music that seems like it could probably be inspired by the book of Ecclesiastes, if you think about it. Plus: Mallory owes a debt of loyalty to the Stewarts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

On a Very Special 40th Episode Spectacular Episode, Niko and Lauren welcome Sunday School Dropouts logo designer Elise Carlton to the show to talk about everything except the book of Zephaniah! Plus: two kinds of owls, and Lauren freaks out again! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko are joined by writer and educator Matthew Clark Davison to discuss altar boys, the real meaning of lay ministry, obscure burns on Catholicism, and everything else in the book of Habakkuk. Plus: dog psychics and flying statues! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss Nineveh, feminist lions, whether God is trolling Jonah even after his death, and everything else in the book of Nahum. Plus: another quiz, and another trip to the Bible with the crab on the skateboard! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss the urban/rural divide, the problem with “popular” prophets, messiahs from Bethlehem, and everything else in the book of Micah. Plus: an impossible quiz, and RIP Vine. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss big fish, prophetic temper tantrums, the sins of Nineveh, and everything else in the book of Jonah. Plus: Tasbeeh Herwees tells us about Jonah’s significance in Islam, and Veggie Tales! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko talk about personified Wisdom, the rules of friendship, praising famous men, and everything else in the apocryphal book of Sirach. Plus: how to party like a biblical patriarch and Lauren wants to eat bugs! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Due to travel and illness, we're rerunning a classic episode from the archives! Enjoy Job with our special guest Greg, AKA @leducviolet. Original summary: Why do bad things happen to good people? Did Satan win his bet with God? Are hot daughters worth more than regular ones? Lauren and Niko welcome @leducviolet (some call him “Greg”) to the show to definitively solve all the complex theological issues in the book of Job. Plus: teen skateboard scorpions.   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren welcome writer and podcaster Sarah Maria Griffin to the show to talk about Irish Catholicism, the Virgin Mary, abortion, and her new YA novel Spare and Found Parts. Plus: the book of Obadiah somewhere in there! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss simple country farmers, the day of the Lord, famous cookies, and everything else in the book of Amos. Plus: everyone’s sick of hearing about the apocalypse, and cat curses! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren welcome Let’s Not Panic cohost Maggie Tokuda-Hall to the show to discuss locusts, CrossFit, and everything else in the book of Joel. Plus: the Maccabee Games, and a bunch of pontificatin’. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss metaphorical misogyny, literal misogyny, and all the other misogyny in the book of Hosea. Plus: Susanna and the Elders, and listener mail! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss the lions’ den, the fiery furnace, Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego, and everything else in the book of Daniel. Plus: guest Scott Benson tells us about Bel and the Dragon. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss iconic scams, the siege of Bethulia, the beheading of Holofernes, and everything else in the apocryphal book of Judith. Plus: Artemisia Gentileschi, and Niko is a Samantha! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss bondage, zombies, wheeled angels, and everything else in the book of Ezekiel. Seriously, that’s all actually in the book of Ezekiel. Plus: guest Ironicus teaches us about ancient aliens! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren welcome visual artist and director Michelle Sutherland to the show to talk about grief, responsibility, Burning Man, and everything else in the book of Lamentations. Plus: Where’s the party? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss the fall of Jerusalem, the Babylonian Exile, dirty loincloths, and everything else in the book of Jeremiah. Plus: 20/20 hindsight prophecies, and listener mail! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss retroactive prophecies, poetry about crushing your enemies, God’s classic abuser dynamics, and everything else in the book of Isaiah. Plus: Jesus and messiahs and apocalypses and stuff. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss the archangel Raphael, fish organs, demon rodeos, and everything else in the apocryphal book of Tobit. Plus: What’s the deal with Catholics? We halfheartedly investigate. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss ghosting, Beyoncé’s visual album Lemonade, beautiful jeweled golems, and everything else in Song of Songs. Plus: Lola Prescott (@seelolago) tells us about the No Shame Movement. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren welcome Mallory Ortberg to the show to discuss meaninglessness, vanity, bad breakups, and all the pop music that seems like it could probably be inspired by the book of Ecclesiastes, if you think about it. Plus: Mallory owes a debt of loyalty to the Stewarts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss fallen angels, forbidden knowledge, cannibalistic giants, and everything else in the apocryphal book of Enoch. Plus: the messiah and the apocalypse and stuff! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss wisdom, sluggards, sparing the rod, dog vomit, and everything else in the book of Proverbs. Plus: dispatches from a podium party! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss the best of psalms, the worst of psalms, the horniest psalm, the most passive-aggressive psalm, and all the other psalms in the book of Psalms. Plus: an extra special quiz with guest Phil Shiu. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Why do bad things happen to good people? Did Satan win his bet with God? Are hot daughters worth more than regular ones? Lauren and Niko welcome @leducviolet (some call him “Greg”) to the show to definitively solve all the complex theological issues in the book of Job. Plus: teen skateboard scorpions. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss Cousin Mordecai, King Xerxes, the holiday of Purim, and everything else in the book of Esther. Plus: an authentic Midwestern Purim tale from Luke Dani Blue, and eunuchs! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss building walls, foxes, Water Gate (not Watergate), and everything else in the book of Nehemiah. Plus: nothing else, and Lauren freaks out! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss Persian kings, the return to Jerusalem, the building of the second temple, and everything else in the book of Ezra. Plus: the web of lies that holds our relationship together, and listener mail! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss Solomon (again), the greatest Passover of all time, and everything else in the book of 2 Chronicles. Plus: a campfire Bible song and the end of Biblical literalism. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss King David (again), Uriah the Hittite (again), Satan doing the Lord’s work, and everything else in the book of 1 Chronicles. Plus: a round of FMK and Lauren’s Etymology Corner. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko are joined by Garrard Conley (@gayrodcon), author of the ex-gay therapy memoir Boy Erased, to discuss the death of Jezebel, cannibalism, and all the other horrific violence in the book of 2 Kings. Plus: Elijah’s chariots of fire, she-bears, and baldheads. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko welcome award-winning writer and RADAR director Juliana Delgado Lopera onto the show to talk about Ahab and Jezebel, Solomon the quizmaster, Elijah’s ravens, and everything else in the book of 1 Kings. Plus: vineyard-related sulking and why God needs Polyamory 101. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko are joined by special guest Ezekiel Kweku (@theshrillest) to discuss David and Bathsheba, Uriah the Hittite, Absalom’s glorious hair, Joab’s breakup speech, and everything else in the book of 2 Samuel. Plus: mighty men, and the Andersons, who have tickets to the game. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss Samuel and the voice of God, golden tumors and rats, King Saul the tall, confused timelines, little boy David and big boy Goliath, Doeg of Edom, and the Witch of Endor. Plus: the first sports mascot in history and the dangers of getting your robe snipped. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren tackle the book of Ruth, including mothers-in-law, daughters-in-law, ancient dating advice, kinsman-redeemers, finding true love on the threshing floor, and more Biblical euphemisms. Plus: a weird story about Judah, Tamar, and Onan that didn’t make it into the Genesis episode. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss left-handed Benjamites, Deborah and Jael, Gideon (but not Gideon’s Bible), Samson and Delilah’s adventures in bondage, who’s battling Israel this week, and Sodom and Gomorrah part two. Plus: the most disturbing violence in the Bible thus far and a phone call to fellow Sunday school dropout Chris Stroop. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren tackle the book of Joshua, including crossing the Jordan, the walls of Jericho, buried treasure, the Gibeonite deception, and divvying up the Promised Land. Plus: a quiz about names of Biblical towns and circumcision, always circumcision. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko welcome J. W. Friedman, host of I Don’t Even Own a Television, onto the podcast to discuss the book of Deuteronomy. Learn all about the defeat of King Og, the paradox of moneylending, the death of Moses, and how to bring Judaism into the 21st century. Plus: amazing Biblical euphemisms and what to do about your brother’s ass. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren take on the book of Numbers, including cubits of quail, censuses, a race of half-angels, silver trumpets, how to tell if your wife is cheating on you, a red heifer, a talking donkey, tricky Moabite women, and what to do when you’re sick of eating manna. Plus: a “special problem” and a segment on Biblical names. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Niko and Lauren discuss the book of Leviticus, including how Aaron’s sons got burnt, how to purify your house the Biblical way, Jewish holidays, kosher eating, sex, blood, and so much more. Plus: the medical establishment’s perspective and a trip to Lauren’s weird VHS hell. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Niko discuss the book of Exodus, in which Moses leads his people out of Egypt and into the desert. Highlights include the burning bush, the plagues of Egypt, the Passover story, the parting of the Red Sea, the Ten Commandments, and the golden calf. Plus: weird magic tricks and blinged-out priestly garments. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

For our inaugural episode, we start at the beginning with the book of Genesis, which includes a LOT of famous Bible stories: creation, the Garden of Eden, Cain and Abel, Noah’s ark, Sodom and Gomorrah, the binding of Isaac, Jacob and Esau, Joseph and the coat of many colors, and more—not to mention a bunch of woman-hating bullshit and a heavy focus on circumcision. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices